I used to try to lie on the eye tests that were given at school, but this never worked–my eyesight was always deemed fine and I never got the cool purple-framed glasses for which I longed.  As an adult, thankfully, my longing for glasses went away, although I suppose this blog is proof that the ‘longing for attention’ thing never really did. O.o

About a year ago, I started noticing that companies began printing can labels in a much smaller font, and that the only way I could read them was to hold them at arm’s length from my body.  Squinting also made them legible.  Soon, I noticed my bedside light must have been broken, since reading in bed became next to impossible, as the text was too blurry to see.

One day, a friend casually remarked, “Hey, did you notice that you squint a lot?  I think you should get your eyes checked.”  I became indignant:  “Nahhhh, not me!  My eyes are fine!”  After about six more months of squinting and holding things at arm’s length, I did a little research and discovered that vision changes at 40 are common and that many people (even those who’ve never had vision problems) at that age begin to require reading glasses.  I filed that away, but continued to struggle and refuse to admit I needed glasses.

Fast forward to this past Christmas, when a girlfriend who is my age came over to wrap presents.  She had her readers atop her head and tossed them to me to try.  As soon as I put them on, well, it was a miracle.  There was no denying any longer that I need reading glasses.  I’m 41, still feel like I’m 18, but facts are facts:  I’m old and it’s all downhill from here.

If I’m being honest, I think they’re kind of cute!  Yay, I finally got my glasses!

Don't I look smarter already?

Everyone knows there are a number of reasons it’s a good idea to not rub bellies on the first date:  Getting intimate too soon can wreck long-term prospects, you might think he’s a slut or vice-versa, and, well, you might not even wind up liking the guy and all of a sudden he’s seen you naked?  Plus, getting to know and like someone at least a little bit means that you’ll probably be more forgiving of each other’s physical flaws–if you care about what really matters about someone, you don’t care as much about what doesn’t matter–appearance.

In the interests of helping women everywhere keep their legs shut on the first date, I’ve compiled an essential list of ways to ensure temporary chastity:

• Don’t shave your legs.  When things get  hot and heavy, sometimes the only thing that might give you pause is realizing your legs look like you just camped out for two weeks with a bunch of Phish heads.  Under NO circumstances are you to schedule a full-on Brazilian wax prior to your first date–going through that pain and expense makes you feel like you’ve EARNED the right to show that chonie off to somebody, so take my advice:  No waxing and no shaving.

• Wear your Granny Panties.  The bigger, dingier, and holey-er, the better.  Don’t listen to Victoria, this is Heather’s Secret:  Ugly underwear prevents sluttiness.  The libido of a 40 year old woman is strong–drastic times call for drastic measures.

• Try to avoid going anywhere that’s scenic or romantic.  Look at that scene–I already want to take off my clothes.  Nothing beach or ocean front, no fondue restaurants, no candles.  Shoot for a flourescent-lit diner or a bowling alley, or a restaurant that looks like this:

• Make sure your house is filthy.  That sink full of dirty dishes and the attendant shame of being thought a disgusting pig are the only things standing between you and knocking boots with a virtual stranger.

• Don’t go to his house, either.  Even if he swears it’s just to play video games or ‘sleep’ together but not ‘sleep sleep’ together.  Before you know it, you’re awash in the glow of a lava lamp, listening to Art of Noise and having sex on top of his dirty-laundry strewn mattress on the floor.

• No hotel rooms.  If either of you are from out of town and staying in a hotel, do NOT go back to the room with him.  Hotel Room=Hotel Sex.  Every knows that.

• Don’t get drunk.  I once got totally blitzed and wound up making out in a corner of a dark bar with an unwashed, smelly frog of a guy who was at least 10 years younger and 10 inches shorter than me.  I didn’t even remember it until a ‘friend’ told me about it a week later.

• Finally, be sure to bring a condom.  I know this seems to contradict all the other advice I’ve given, but let’s face it:  You’re a whore, he’s probably a whore, and if you like each other enough, all the rest of the stuff doesn’t matter and you’re going to do it anyway.  Make sure to protect yourself, skank!

Now, what have I forgotten?  Please comment with your suggestions.

I’m still looking forward to to participating in International Free Hugs Day this Saturday, July 3.  Hopefully some others will join me, but if not, I’m still going to go make an ass of myself and do it.  Here are the details for the Playa del Carmen contingent:

What:  International Free Hugs Day (“C’mon, people now, smile on your brother, everybody get together and try to love one another…blah blah blah”)
Where:  Meet at Carboncitos Restaurant, Calle 4 between avenidas 5 and 10
When:  3 pm, this Saturday, July 3
How:  Dress comfortably and bring your “Free Hugs/Abrazos Gratis” signs, or the materials to quickly make them as we enjoy 2×1 Margaritas to loosen us up enough to hug perfect strangers and spread good feelings, love, and affection
Why:  Today is a bad day to ask why, as I’ve had a rotten day.  Today I’d be more likely to participate in “Free Black Eye Day.”  Let’s hope I’m feeling more my loving self by Saturday.

All jokes aside, I’m looking forward to this reminder of what is really important in life:  Human connections and love.  See you then!

I looked down toward the beach in front of the neighbor’s house and saw four fully naked, attractive young women laughing their fake laughter and building a giant sand penis.  Then I saw one older, unattractive bald man FILMING them. 

I admit, I couldn’t help watching.  The scene was just bizarre…first, it has been unseasonably cold here, and this day was no exception.  The sun was out, but STILL, it was far too chilly for full on nakedness. Second, while Tulum attracts the nudies and the hippies, this scene was just so unnatural and forced that it stood out much more than seeing some random crunchy-granola hairy man walking down the beach. 

As I went back to my work, two of the women were hugging up on the unattractive man, giggling and running their french-manicured acrylics up and down his chest.  My imagination portrays this man as a wealthy old perv with a skewed sense of the sexy from many years of watching porn, but I admit my own bias has the heaviest hand in painting that portrait.   I’m not averse to pornography and think it has its place in a healthy sex life, but prefer scenes that feature people who look like people engaging in relatively  normal activities.  Not, say, four naked women building a giant sand penis while a man old enough to be their father films them.  But that’s me. 

One thing is certain, I’ve never seen anything this interesting in Playa del Carmen.  I don’t know if they were all staying in the rental home next door, but at 2am, there was a lot of shouting and slamming of doors over there.  Trouble in paradise?

When I saw the photos we took of our wine/Almond Joy/gummi bear/Hershey’s bacchanalia, I couldn’t help but think that these photos would show all of our Three Legged Race sponsors just what an Olympics-quality team they’re standing behind.

For anyone considering sponsoring us, don’t miss your chance to win a date with these chicas by being the highest individual donor; they truly know how to have a good time.  Our friend Maureen saw these photos and said we remind her of Lucy and Ethel.  That was one of the greatest compliments I’ve ever gotten…Sara and I crack each other up.

I don’t feeeel so good.

I’m not sleeping, I’m just resting my eyes.

Do we have anything in our teeth?

If you’d like to sponsor our team and raise money for Firemen who desperately need you, please donate by going to www.PayPal.com and clicking on the link that says “send money.” Then just follow the prompts to donate directly to us by using the following email address:

info@caribesunrise.com

Please be sure to write in your comments/subject line “Three Legged Race.” We will keep you updated with donation totals.

For further information or to register your team please call: 984-135-1233 or e-mail:

kegsbar@hotmail.com

We are also taking business/corporate sponsors!!  Contact us at info@caribesunrise.com or editor@playamayanews.com if you’d like to be mentioned on Playa Maya News, Playa.info, and Heather in Paradise!!

At the end of the night, we said our goodbyes and I trudged the 2 blocks home through driving 75 degree winds. I’d been home about 10 minutes when I suddenly heard a pitiful voice crying from my gate, “Heather!”

Imagine my surprise and supreme amusement to see one of my friends (I won’t say which one, but it was my best friend and her name rhymes with “Mara”) standing outside my gate, covered head to foot in chocolate.

“No one will pick me up!” she wailed, almost on the verge of tears. My friend lives way on the other side of the highway and had been trying to flag a taxi while her still liquid and unwieldy pans of fudge leaked all over her.

After I stopped clutching my sides and rolling around all over the ground with laughter, I put her in the truck and drove her home. Fortunately, I had my camera with me and was able to snap off a few shots before she wrested the camera away from me. They’re not great because I was driving stick shift and maniacally laughing the whole time.

Man, roll down the window, you REEK of chocolate!!
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Aww, she’s waving at me.

Good lord, sometimes I truly love having a blog.

It seems to me that most people have a social filter that prevents them from saying or doing certain things. I’m not sure I have ever had such a filter. My family has always looked to me to be the “entertainment” at parties and around them, being funny comes naturally to me. In social situations, when I am among people with whom I feel comfortable, there is virtually nothing I will not do to score a laugh, especially at my own expense. I get drunk on the feeling I get from making people laugh, it’s an indescribable drug high.

I can trace where it comes from and it’s such a boring, oft-told story. My dad checked out early, my mom was young and doing her own thing, and I grew up looking for attention wherever I could find it until I found something that stuck. The hackneyed sad clown going through her routines, wearing big shoes and a giant daisy that squirts water.

The truth is, I frequently suffer from social anxiety and sometimes, the only way out for me is to put on the clown suit. Drinking a couple of shots helps, too. There are aspects of me that wish I was the quiet, shy person sitting in the corner, drinking it all in. Listening and laughing, not feeling the compulsion to say something, anything. I am exhausting to be around, I know it.

Once, in anger, someone who loves me told me that I’m “loud and never let anyone else talk.” This hurt desperately to hear; hit harder than a punch in the jaw, probably because it’s more true than I like to admit.

Tuesday night, my friend Michele recorded the tail end of a little “skit” I came up with as our friend Chris Bolister sang “Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For.” I don’t know why, but I pretended to “sign” the song along with him the way you sometimes see on television. It took me a while to get the courage, but I finally watched the entire video, cringing the whole time. I considered asking her to remove it from you tube, but after thinking about it for a long time, I figured, fuck it. I am who I am. Warts and all.

Yes, I’m loud and yes, I’m embarrassing. But I do promise to let you talk, at least once in a while. So you better have something funny to say.

I’ve been crushing on Jemaine Clement of Flight of the Conchords for over a year now and in the last few days it’s gotten really, really bad. I can’t stop watching the music clips on youtube, I’m obsessed. And what do I do with my obsessions, but foist them on you, my innocent readers?

What is it about him, you ask? Well, he is gorgeous, in my opinion, but what really gets me is his sense of humor and willingness to do ANYTHING, including making himself look ridiculous, to make people laugh. That trait reflects my own philosophy with regard to humor. WhatEVER makes people laugh, I do that shit.

If you haven’t watched Flight of the Conchords, do yourself a favor and check out these videos. If you like them, there are plenty more on youtube.

Most Beautiful Girl

Business Time

*whimpering but I don’t want to be a hippie…*