I looked down toward the beach in front of the neighbor’s house and saw four fully naked, attractive young women laughing their fake laughter and building a giant sand penis.  Then I saw one older, unattractive bald man FILMING them. 

I admit, I couldn’t help watching.  The scene was just bizarre…first, it has been unseasonably cold here, and this day was no exception.  The sun was out, but STILL, it was far too chilly for full on nakedness. Second, while Tulum attracts the nudies and the hippies, this scene was just so unnatural and forced that it stood out much more than seeing some random crunchy-granola hairy man walking down the beach. 

As I went back to my work, two of the women were hugging up on the unattractive man, giggling and running their french-manicured acrylics up and down his chest.  My imagination portrays this man as a wealthy old perv with a skewed sense of the sexy from many years of watching porn, but I admit my own bias has the heaviest hand in painting that portrait.   I’m not averse to pornography and think it has its place in a healthy sex life, but prefer scenes that feature people who look like people engaging in relatively  normal activities.  Not, say, four naked women building a giant sand penis while a man old enough to be their father films them.  But that’s me. 

One thing is certain, I’ve never seen anything this interesting in Playa del Carmen.  I don’t know if they were all staying in the rental home next door, but at 2am, there was a lot of shouting and slamming of doors over there.  Trouble in paradise?

I met A’ndrea several years ago and found her to be a down-to-earth, gorgeous, considerate and kind, wild-and-crazy party girl. She always saves her girlie magazines and hauls them down for me and never fails to throw the best parties and bar crawls when she’s in town.

A while back, A’ndrea met the love of her life, Larry, and since Larry is obviously no dummy and knows a good thing when he sees it, he asked her to marry him. Fortunately for both of them, she said yes.

Michael and I were honored when they invited us to share in their wedding day; it was the most beautiful, fun, and memorable wedding I’ve been to in a very long time. I just love weddings, and YES, I cried. While it’s true that I cry even during TV weddings on shows I don’t even watch regularly, I assure you that if you’d have seen and heard Larry’s vows, you’d have cried, too.

Vans were hired to take us to the lovely beach setup. It could not have been a more perfect afternoon for a sunset ceremony.

This woman is just beautiful, right? And yet, I still like her.

They are so in love, but in a way that doesn’t make you want to puke.

The officiant gave them 2 white roses to place together in the sea to symbolize the joining of their lives

Ok, all together now….AWWWWWW!

Happiness looks so good on them

Ok, now they’re just showing off

Now there’s the A’ndrea I know…check out the hand placement!

Stewart and Vanessa (2 more friends from the forum) with the happy couple

I just love this one…her veil was blowing, but all three look so damned joyful

All the ladies (I believe nearly everyone in this photo met A’ndrea and Larry through the internet. The internet is IMPORTANT, my friends. )

Me, slacking off on the work of holding up a 90 lb gal

If I’m not holding up A’ndrea, what makes you think I’m going to hold up a heavy guy?

Sports huddle. Boys.

Was this where we discovered the bride went commando?

While we waited for the couple to take their pro pics, Vanessa poured us out some champagne

If you think Michael makes ME look short…

Well just check out how short he makes Vanessa look!

A’ndrea and Larry, thank you so much for including me in your special day. I wish you a lifetime of happiness and love. And may he always let you drive the remote.

Last Sunday, our friends Sara and Steve from Playa Maya News took us to Xcacel in Flash, their big-ass van. It was a gorgeous day right up until the second we pulled into the parking lot, whereupon it began to rain and giant storm clouds moved slowly across the sky. We had a tail gate party until the weather cleared up, and the rest of the afternoon was great.

Sara and I are BFFs, probably because of our organizational skills. I made sandwiches (with the tomato and lettuce separate so it doesn’t get soggy), and Sara made several side dishes in neat little Tupperware containers. We had blankets/pareos, folding chairs, food, plastic forks/plates, about 3 cases of beer, mixers, vodka, Captain Morgan’s rum, limes, hand sanitizer, an Ipod/speakers, cutting board and knife…I think you’re getting the gist, right? Well imagine my acute shame when I realized I’d forgotten to bring cups; only the most basic and necessary of items. I also forgot the bacon for the broccoli salad and Steve let me know he didn’t want any tomatoes because I didn’t cut them thinly enough. He only eats them “wafer-thin.” No one else seemed to mind the disgusting tomatoes. Except me, since I fucking hate tomatoes.

Two of the guys drank a LOT of beer (one drank only a little because we made him drive). Susan drank a LOT of Captain’s. Sara and I drank a LOT of vodka. Conspicuous consumption rules.

Susan!

The makings of a 5 star Bromance: Steve, Michael, Dan

I had never been to Xcacel before, but I really liked it. It was a wild, wind-swept beach, nice and peaceful. I want to enjoy that for the short time it will probably last, the way development in the Riviera Maya is going.

Steve knew where a cenote was, so we headed down the path to go for a swim in fresh water (the Sea was pretty rough, so we didn’t really swim in the Sea).

How lucky am I?

I didn’t have the camera at the cenote and Michael didn’t feel the need to take many pics, so all we have is this one of me with my new little boyfriend.

We headed back to enjoy the last minutes of a great beach day. Sara, looking gorgeous as frickin’ usual.

Susan, with not one thought of her high-stress corporate job in her head, holding the fine glasses we made by cutting tops off plastic bottles. MacGyver ain’t got f*ck-all on us.

Miguelito

The ride home must have been very boring, since I have virtually no memory of it. The next day my hateful friends told me stories I find difficult to believe, such as when I was allegedly sitting on the cooler when Steve took a tope (pronounced “toh-peh,” means “speed bump) too fast and I went flying off. The cooler supposedly opened and dumped its contents right between my legs, whereupon I was rumored to say, “Ooh, that was cold on my ladyparts.” Nice try, guys, but I don’t think so.

When we got back to Sara’s house, her cat, JoJo was on top of their high fence and for some reason I decided I had to pet it right that second. I stepped up on a cement block that looked deceptively stable and promptly fell on my ass. Fortunately, I get to wear this for the next three weeks or so:

Don’t be jealous of that sexy shoe.

Our friend, Irena, hooked us up with a guy named Yuri who has a couple of cabañas for rent on the far South end of Tulum, almost into Sian Ka’an Biosphere Reserve.  He calls it Playa Zafiro.  These are rustic and pretty bare bones, but my three needs were met:  non-sand floor (it was tile), private bathroom, and real lock on the door (no “stick through a loop” would cut it).  There was no electricity and apart from wanting coffee in the morning, it was never missed.  We had two coolers for ice and food, and plenty of wine, beer, and pre-mixed margaritas.  I wanted for nothing.  I even had a couple of dirty beach dogs to play with, so I didn’t miss my own two mutts all that much.

This was my home for 3 nights.

How’s that for a front yard view?

Playa Zafiro

I don’t think I saw 10 people in an entire day.

Mother Nature is the best decorator I know.

When I took this, I was thinking of you.  For realz.

One afternoon, we headed into Sian Ka’an Biosphere Reserve.  An acquaintance had tipped us off to the spectacular sunsets from the top deck of an eco-resort called Cesiak.

This place has 11 or so bungalows and uses alternate energy sources (we saw solar panels and windmills).  The grounds were just beautiful and the location couldn’t be beat.  Standing high up on their observation roofdeck, I had the Caribbean Sea to the East and a vast, sparkling lagoon to the West.

The sunset was marvelous, I don’t see many sunsets these days.

I walked on the beach this morning and took this, to remind me of where I stand.

I have basically done nothing for the last 2 days, but nothing has felt so meaningful in ages.  My head was full, the TV was non-existent, and I had no access at all to a computer.  I woke up early and went to bed a few hours after dark. I lived in my head the entire time, and for the first time in a long time, that wasn’t a scary place to be.

First, my old friend, Beth, came down and we had a great time hanging out for a couple of days (I posted about our Isla Mujeres day). Since she was staying in Cancun, however, we didn’t get to see nearly as much of each other as I’d have liked.

Immediately after Beth left, one of my old, old friends, Adam, came down with his girlfriend, Martina. Now Adam is a real blast from the past, an ex-roommate and the best friend of my ex-long-term-boyfriend. I hadn’t seen or hung out with Adam in about 8 years, since he was one of the many things I lost in the “divorce.”

I was initially a little nervous about him coming here, although I was simultaneously excited. When I knew Adam, I was (like him and everyone else I hung out with) a bartender at a live music venue/rock club in Chicago and spent my days sleeping in and my nights working late and then partying hard on days off. We were young kids with plenty of cash and cool haircuts. And lots of black in our wardrobes. It will suffice to say that I never considered myself a “beach girl.”

Now I’m a broke old lady with a hair color that can be found in nature, who wears flip flops and stained tank tops everyday. And the beach town “hippie” esthetic creeps in like a cancer until all of a sudden I look in the mirror and see Stevie Fucking Nicks. Michael and I even recently bought a broken down 1974 VW Westfalia camper van that we’re going to fix up and actually be seen driving around town in.

So for 10 nights, into my routine, boring life came pale-skinned, tattooed, and beautiful Adam and Martina. The second I hugged Martina for the first time, any fears I had about not being accepted were laid to rest: She gave me a hug like we were family; a real hug, with no perfunctory pats on the back. I was smitten and have remained so since.

Although I was only able to take off one day of work while they were here, we spent a Sunday together and got together several times for dinner. What they did for me was remind me that I live in a beautiful, peaceful place, and that I have to make an effort to enjoy it as much as possible, for as long as my living here lasts. It was a bracing splash of water in the face, a reminder that my life here is not all about waiting in line to pay bills, struggling with immigration issues, or being frustrated with traffic and tourists.

Thank you, Adam and Martina, (and Beth and Leslie, and Dan and Crystal),for the much-needed reminder.

I took Adam and Martina to Tulum. Money Shot #1:

And Money Shot #2:

She is so pretty. And yet, I like her so much.

After Tulum, we went snorkeling in Gran Cenote:

Then, we picked up Irena, Martina’s friend from Chicago, and headed to Playa Selva.

The bent palm is hanging in, though barely.

We enjoyed a picnic lunch of Booger Chicken and all the fixin’s.

We lazed about in hamacas:

One Sunday, we rented a van and driver and all headed off to do one of our favorite things: hang out on the beach with a cooler full of beer and sandwiches, and do nothing. We went to Turtle Bay in Akumal (which in Mayan apparently means “Place of the Turtle.”) Because “Adam Likes Turtles.”

Irena and KC go snorkeling:

Obviously I had had enough vodka and Agua de Jamaica to kill a burro. Take a look at that crooked horizon:

Martina. *sigh*

Bullshit, Jesus, those are obviously my footprints!

Retarded Bird Cannot Find The Cheeto Poff:

After a long day of eating, drinking, and swimming, we stopped at Cenote Azul to rinse of the sand and salt water:

What an incredible day, it has sustained me nigh these 7 days since Martina (and Adam, oh yeah, Adam) left me.

It’s the weirdest thing. As soon as she left, the sun went dark, the air turned cold, the Sea dried up, and all the turtles died.

This is what I’m looking at now:

What a difference a week makes.

An aside: in all my years of traveling to this area and living here, I’d never been to the Cancun HZ before last week. I’ve been to Cancun dozens of times, but never to the HZ. Can you even believe it? I was a little shocked by it, if truth be told. It didn’t look anything the way I imagined it would look and it was not my cup of tea at all. It looked like *insert US vacation destination here.*

About a year and a half ago, Michael and I stayed for 4 glorious, calm days in Isla Mujeres, but it has been a long time since we’ve been there, so we were excited. The ferry was crowded, full of locals who also had the day off and were going to enjoy a day at the beach.

I just really never get over the Sea here.

We set up on North beach, I can’t even remember the name of the place from which we rented chairs. It was so great, although it was crowded, it was all local people. I’ve been on crowded beaches plenty of times with drunk tourists being obnoxious, so this was a real treat. I chatted up a family sitting next to us and when they left, they made it a point to come to us to say goodbye and “Happy New Year.”

I fell totally in love with this little girl. I mean, look at her little pink sunglasses, earrings, and “done up” hair.

Beth and Leslie wanted to buy some of those stretchy bandana/scarf thingies, so this lady and her sister came down the beach and showed us their wares. It was very sunny and warm, and these Chiapan native costumes are extremely hot, so she sat down to rest while Beth looked over the goods. We forced snacks on them. They were kind enough to allow us to photograph them.

The “older” woman is 22 years old, with 2 children, and one on the way. She said she had only one week to go before she gave birth, and there she was working her tail off selling things on the beach. She has a hard life. Her sister is only 14 years old.

We got some pepitas (sunflower seeds) with chile and lime. Leslie really enjoyed them!

There was a rickety, small wooden platform that people were jumping and diving from. This guy walked right into my photo, after I sat there patiently waiting. D’OH!

Happened AGAIN! Double D’OH!

They even let this nervous little girl try it.

OH! Look who it is again!

Here she is with her abuelo:

Here is the cutest guy in Christendom laughing at me for my “surreptitious” photo-stalking of the cute little Mexican girl.

I spared a few photos on some other cute kids.

But then I was right back to the princesa. Bye, little cutie!

Ubiquitous sandy toes shot.

Blurry photo of sweet old couple walking down the beach. The woman didn’t walk well, so her husband had just helped her into and out of the water.

Here’s Beth!

It was just a lovely day. I managed to get sunburned, even though I stayed under the umbrella most of the day and slathered myself with ridiculous amounts of SPF 30. The perils of my skim-milk skin.

Happy New Year, everyone!