One of the main reasons I have been posting so sporadically on my blog for the last 2+ years is something I have not wanted to really talk about publicly: Major debilitating depression. While I’ve struggled with depression on and off through much of my life, the period of time between late 2007 and mid 2009 was exceptionally bleak, to a degree I had never experienced and did not know how to handle.
I didn’t want to blog about it for a number of reasons. First, I didn’t want to scare people who love me. Second, with a fledgling business, I did not want to alienate potential or current clients who might stumble across this blog and not want to work with me. Although I have always done what I can to keep my professional life OFF this blog, I’m not obtuse enough not to know how easy it is to find me with a google search. Finally, the worthlessness and despair I felt was so complete as to render any attempts at trying to make sense of it moot, and I could not then and still cannot find the words to describe how bad I felt.
Long time readers of this blog already know that in the last year, I’ve made a number of major life changes, with extremely positive results. I am, and have been for almost a year, the happiest I have ever been. While I still struggle from time to time with depression, I recognize the signs now and can quickly mend the things that are amiss and change my thought patterns to feel better. Recently, it occurred to me that for the first time in my life, I know myself to be a happy person who sometimes gets sad, and not a sad person who is only occasionally happy. The incredibly positive change this self-realization has effected in my life cannot be overstated.
All of this said, in the last month I have struggled mightily with insomnia, which for me is often a precursor to slipping into a depression. Several nights ago, when it was five am and I still had not been able to close my eyes without being visited by the Shrieking Weasels of Impending Doom, I decided to do some research on a life-affirming movement I’d heard about a few years ago: The Free Hugs Campaign.
In 2004, a man who identifies himself as Juan Mann found himself in his hometown of Sydney, Australia, after a number of years living in another country. He arrived back “home” with only a suitcase of clothes, a world of cares, and a sense of disconnection with the life he’d once lived there. Landing at the airport with no one to greet him, he found himself looking longingly at other travelers around him who were laughing and hugging their arriving loved ones. He wished he had someone to hug him.
In this moment of isolation and despair was born a revolutionary idea. Juan Mann “set up shop” in a busy Sydney outdoor mall, holding aloft a large, hand-lettered sign that said “FREE HUGS.” Then he just waited for someone to take him up on his offer. At first, people laughed at him, stared, and whispered. Eventually, an older woman came up, told him she was having a terrible day as her dog had just died that morning, on the first anniversary of her daughter’s death. She needed a hug, and Juan had a hug to give. It didn’t take long for others to follow suit, and naturally such a subversive idea (What?? You’re not selling anything? There’s no catch, just a free hug?) caught people’s attention.
A local band, Sick Puppies, was moved by Juan’s mission and presented him with a video they’d made of his Free Hug footage set to one of their songs. This video became an internet sensation, spawning Free Hug Campaigns in dozens of countries all over the world.
Here you can watch the “original” Free Hugs video:
And here is one of my favorites of the “copycat” Free Hugs Campaigns, in New York City:
What does all of this have to do with me and my story of depression? Perhaps nothing more than an epiphany that we are all more alike than we are different, and that it is vitally important that we connect with each other and help each other get through lives that can at times be difficult, lonely, or filled with hopelessness. We must be there for one another both in sadness and in joy.
Every year, International Free Hugs Day is held on the first Saturday in July. This year, it is July 3, which is incidentally the day before my 6 year anniversary of living in Mexico. I will be showing my gratitude and love for my adopted country by participating in Free Hugs Day in Playa del Carmen on July 3, offering free hugs to Mexican locals, ex-pats, and international tourists alike.
I would love it if some of my friends would join me, but if they won’t, I will go it alone. If you can’t be in Playa del Carmen on July 3, consider participating in the Free Hugs Campaign in your own town.
Anyone from Cancun, Playa del Carmen, or Tulum (or anywhere in the area!) who’d like to give out some free hugs with me on July 3 can contact me via this website. My email address is under the “About Me” tab.
We saw a lot of “free huggers” at the Olympics, it really is wonderful.
I’m glad to hear you are happier now, sad to hear you went through rough times. Depression is a funny thing; the worst thing about it is that we have to feel embarrassed and ashamed about it, which is strange really. So we hide it as best we can, which often leads to worse situations where people feel hopeless and alone and take drastic measures. We really all – society as a whole, but individually first – need to rethink our outlook on those suffering from depression, instead of shunning them or whispering about them we need to hug them, hold them and let them know that we understand, we have felt it too, and they are not alone.
By: Leasa on June 11, 2010
at 12:12 am
Thank you, Leasa. I know how close to home this subject hits for you. xoxo
By: heatherinparadise on June 11, 2010
at 10:56 am
Thanks Heather.
Although I’m not certain to which level, I do relate to what you’re saying.
Don’t we all struggle and try to find a easier and better way to live our lives? I am happy to see that you did find a way, as did I (albeit slightly different).
It sucks that we’re not living nearly close enough for our mutual free hugs.
By: Tony on June 11, 2010
at 7:31 am
Tony, I’m afraid I wouldn’t be able to let go if I started hugging you!
By: heatherinparadise on June 11, 2010
at 10:55 am
You would if I had Misha with me, and I couldn’t even blame you for that. (-;
By: Tony on June 11, 2010
at 11:34 am
I would love to participate
what a great idea!!
By: claudiadeplaya on June 11, 2010
at 8:13 am
I knew you would!! I’m so glad I won’t have to be alone, I was nervous. I’m going to make signs with one side in English and the other in Spanish. Now we have to get together to plan our attack. I hope you are feeling better!
By: heatherinparadise on June 11, 2010
at 9:30 am
Hola Heather, I’m not a reader of your blog but do know you from Playa. I wondered many times why I had not seen you around while in Playa this past year but did pic up that you had moved to Talum……I missed not seeing you last Feb. I”m glad to hear that you are doing much better. I think that the “Free Hug” idea is wonderful. Go for it and have a great time. I wish I could be there. Take Care
xoxoxo
By: Marj on June 11, 2010
at 10:16 am
Thank you, Marj.
By: heatherinparadise on June 12, 2010
at 7:43 am
I can’t be there for the free hug day but I can send a virtual hug your way. You are a shining light, I’ve always seen it in your eyes and I’m glad you can see it now too.
abrazos de Merida,
By: jonna on June 11, 2010
at 11:28 am
Thank you, Jonna…that hug felt great. And you made me cry a few little happy tears.
By: heatherinparadise on June 12, 2010
at 7:44 am
I just got home from Jasper Alberta, my first trip to meet my darling granddaughter Gracie. She blessed me with many loving hugs and I feel brand new. BTW she will be 2 on July 3rd. I will certainly participate in my own little town on that day and I will be cyber-hugging you Heather. Wonderful to hear from you my friend.
By: jeanie on June 11, 2010
at 11:43 am
Aww, Gracie hugs are the best! Make sure to document your Free Hug day, would love to see photos! Thanks, Jeanie.
By: heatherinparadise on June 12, 2010
at 7:45 am
Heather – Hugs to you always and forever. All my love, H
By: Herb Ramlose on June 11, 2010
at 12:05 pm
Thank you, one of my oldest and dearest friends. I love you, too.
By: heatherinparadise on June 12, 2010
at 7:52 am
Go for it Heather, and a HUGE hug to you!! I’m so glad to hear that you have been feeling better.
By: darla on June 11, 2010
at 1:53 pm
thank you, Darla. xoxo
By: heatherinparadise on June 12, 2010
at 7:52 am
I still remember the hug you gave me in Chicago at the Cheesecake Factory after not seeing you for, what? Ten years or something? All these years later, I think about that moment as one of the best in my life.
We haven’t kept in touch, and it hasn’t mattered to me why. I still count you–speak of you–as one of my dearest friends in the world. So much of who I am and who I work every day to be is in response to how your life–the lightness, the darkness–inspires mine.
By: Helen-Louise on June 11, 2010
at 5:04 pm
I think that’s amazing!!! (sniffle. I wanna hug!) Good luck… have a blast.!!!
By: Refried Dreamer on June 12, 2010
at 12:51 am
Thanks for this post…very meaningful.
It would be nice to see a video of your hugging day……
Kelly
By: Kelly on June 12, 2010
at 7:01 am
You are loved, Heather. That is all.
By: Martha on June 12, 2010
at 9:20 am
It is incredible that the day I start blogging again after some on and off tries I check your blog and find that you put into words EXACTLY how I’ve been feeling for the past year and a half and the reasons I too stopped writing (you also changed your blog design too!). I don’t know that I’ve reached the epiphany that you have yet, but I relieves me to know, to KNOW, that I will one day. I wish I could be there and give you a Hug, but for now virtual must do. Take care Heather, I’ll be reading ya!
Fned.
By: Fned on June 13, 2010
at 4:33 am
If I can find someone to do this with me, I’ll do it too. I’d be way too scared/nervous to do it alone. You will have a blast I’m sure though. And you know I’ll be hugging you from AZ and wish I was there with you or you were here with me. I’m so happy that you are happier and wished that there was something I could have done during that time. It’s hard living in another country and not being able to do anything.
By: Teetle on June 14, 2010
at 9:19 pm
This is a great idea! The “Free Hugs” campaign is one of my favorite things ever! I’ve always wondered if it would seem a little “skanky” coming from a woman…but, I guess I will find out. July 3rd it is.
By: Julie Broadbent on June 26, 2010
at 9:58 pm
I believe we Mexicans are really good huggers, what do u think?
By: Beto on August 3, 2011
at 11:10 pm
Yes, Beto. The hugs I received from Mexicans that day were AWESOME and also I noticed that unlike US Americans or Canadians, Mexicans were very quick to hug, not stand-offish or aloof. Viva Mexico!
By: heatherinparadise on August 4, 2011
at 12:41 pm