Gulp. I don’t know how to start, so I’ll just throw this out there: In June, my 8.5 year relationship and 4 month engagement ended. The decision was mine, and it was not undertaken lightly. Without going too far into the highly personal stuff that went into this decision, I will say that this end was the result of years of heavy thought, an almost totally debilitating depression, and tureens of tears. Finally, it felt necessary in the way that surgery to save one’s life is necessary, but it was the most difficult decision I have ever made.
The last almost-five months since the breakup have been an enormous learning curve for me. For the first two months, I felt like someone awakening from a long coma who had to relearn how to walk, talk, smile, swallow. Although I have always been a person who enjoys her alone time, at times the loneliness has been crushing, and feelings of guilt at hurting someone I have cared about for nearly a decade weighed upon me like the lead apron the dentist uses to protect you while taking x-rays.
The third month, I started to feel somewhat better. Although I could not go out, could not see people, didn’t want to blog, didn’t want to work, didn’t want to talk about it, I started to improve. I spent my afternoons in the pool and my evenings alone, reflecting. In the last two months, poco a poco, as Mexicans say, I have crawled out of the depression and started inching back toward the self I knew I really was…one grain of gratitude and happiness at a time.
I’m happy, though I still suffer at night from time to time when I lie in bed in the dark and think about how this happiness has been selfishly won by hurting another human being. There is no joy in what I felt I had to do.
But there is joy, and this is something I had resigned myself to thinking was not meant for me.
Thank you Heather.
By: Diana Hahn on November 5, 2009
at 10:59 pm
My ex-husband told me I was brave to leave him. I knew it, too. But I had to do it. You are doing great. But you have to be your own priority, of course.
Love you, sweetie.
By: Nancy on November 5, 2009
at 11:15 pm
I hated to make this post, but felt in light of the fact that I’d shared my personal life before that I couldn’t just share the good stuff…that I had to show the bad times and the times I did things that were hard, or that show me in an unfavorable light, like this might.
Ah, and then it was just time to talk about it. I got an upgrade notice by email today for a site I’d joined, but forgotten about called “nearlyweds.” And the “nearly” gave me a shiver.
By: heatherinparadise on November 5, 2009
at 11:18 pm
Ah Heather, so good to hear you are coming up on the other side of this. Brave is a good word for what you’ve done. Give yourself a big hug and treat yourself good girl. Lotsa love.
By: CancunCanuck on November 5, 2009
at 11:29 pm
I dont know the reasons,but do understand how hard it is to have to leave a long term relationship…
Its not an easy step to take, but sometimes in life we have to take a few on our own. Just keep moving those pretty feet of yours in your pink boots or in your fancy high heels in a forward motion and you will get to where you need to be.
By: PurpleDragonFly on November 5, 2009
at 11:32 pm
I can understand how hard it must have been to post this, but I guess it today’s online social world it’s better to get it out there than let the speculation brew out there.
I was in a long term relationship for most of the ’90′s that I called an end to, and immediately I was happier. And only a few months later I met a new friend named Karin. It became obvious that this was a relationship on another level; we married 2 years later and we know we will grow old together.
My point is that I understand you pain, but I also know that it can get better when you least expect it. If this was best for you, then it was best for both of you; it certainly wouldn’t have been better for either of you for you to stay where you weren’t happy and end it after the marriage. You’re living in paradise, and I’m sure you’ll discover that special one to share it with you when you least expect it.
By: Gregg on November 6, 2009
at 12:22 am
I’m so glad that you are happier now, Heather and that you put yourself first.
By: darla on November 6, 2009
at 8:28 am
Thank you for sharing this part of your life Heather.
I left a marriage after 23 years and 5 kids. I kept thinking life goes by too fast to be wondering …what if….
All the best,
Kelly
By: Kelly on November 6, 2009
at 8:33 am
Glad to see you back. A lot of people have missed you!
By: Diane on November 6, 2009
at 8:44 am
You know that I am with you so I’m not going to carry on here. I’m just glad that you have finally put it out there. Looking forward to seeing you…..despite the storm!
By: islagringo on November 6, 2009
at 9:35 am
Love love love you girl.
By: kt on November 6, 2009
at 9:56 am
I admire you for your courage and strength to make an extremely hard decision that ultimately is the best choice for both you and your ex. I’m glad you’re back to blogging, I’ve missed you!
By: Semra on November 6, 2009
at 1:32 pm
Breaking up is hard to do….but often what we need to do.
I am glad to hear you are doing so much better, now.
By: Maggie on November 6, 2009
at 2:40 pm
I do hope you find the peace and joy you so richly deserve.
By: Nancy McD on November 6, 2009
at 2:55 pm
Glad to hear you are slowly moving on and getting better. Take care!!!
By: jackieinpdx on November 7, 2009
at 12:17 pm
You are brave…and it sounds like you are looking to “the rest of your life” – I have a feeling it will be filled with adventures and fun !
By: Tappy on November 8, 2009
at 2:21 pm
I broke up with a Really Nice Guy once and broke his heart. I just knew I had outgrown the relationship and wthe logical conclusion would have been marriage and I just didn’t see him as my mate. I broke his heart and felt like dirt doing it, but it was necessary. I think really, in the long run, for both of us. We kept in contact and hen lost contact but I’ll always fondly remember him. And know I made the right decision.
Good luck and heal.
By: kathy on November 9, 2009
at 10:46 am
I am so grateful for each of you who have commented and shared your virtual hugs, love, and stories. Thank you.
By: heatherinparadise on November 9, 2009
at 2:22 pm
the internet has missed your voice, and so have I. welcome back.
By: jillian on November 9, 2009
at 3:08 pm
http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/15228
By: jillian on November 9, 2009
at 3:16 pm
Ah, Jillian, how did you know? That poem is one I have revisited often throughout my adult life. I have been the one to end every one of my adult relationships and have often said of myself that I am, perhaps selfishly, not one to go down with a sinking ship. I always save myself. Ouch.
By: heatherinparadise on November 9, 2009
at 5:07 pm
Heather, you are a great person, and you deserve the very best life has to offer. Enjoy it, and don’t beat yourself up.
Hugs
By: Cathy on November 10, 2009
at 5:14 pm
Beautifully written.
Making the right choice is not always the easy option. Still, when you look back later on it`ll make sense even if it doesn`t right now.
Peace
P.S. Good to see you blogging again.
By: peter on November 16, 2009
at 12:17 pm
Hugs gorgeous!
I did this once…he was very nice-there was nothing wrong with him-it was me. I broke his heart into pieces..:(
Over 10 years later I am married to Nick with 2 kids & he is very happily married with 2 kids to a really nice girl. It was what was meant to be…at the time it sure didn’t feel as though!
Take care! I am glad you are having a relationship with yourself-you’re gonna luv her!
Melissa
By: Mel :) on November 18, 2009
at 11:17 am
We have missed you Heather and am so glad you are on the road to healing. Just be patient with yourself and take some time each day to meditate and you will be amazed at what life will send your way. You are a brave and kind person and hope to see you again in Playa in the spring. We have only met once at Bad Boys but it was one of the great pleasures of my trip .
By: Brenda on November 19, 2009
at 4:46 pm
You’ve one great big hug coming in March iffin’ ya need it!
By: Craig on December 9, 2009
at 8:30 pm