Heather in Paradise

One of my quieter, but very loyal readers, Steven Germain, sent me a copy of an embellished personal update he recently submitted to his Alumni magazine. I thought it was funny and clever, so I asked and received permission to reprint it here:

Steven D. Germain (class of ’71) reports that he has started a new business. He currently has two (related) products. The first is a coffee table book that he is writing about the Snow Globe. A comprehensive photo history, the book will address (among other things) when the Snow Globe was first invented, how they are made, what the snow is made of, can you make money collecting them, how come there are never any Snow Globes on Antique Road Show – that kind of stuff. The second product is a custom made line of Snow Globes that is manufactured to order using all American made organic ingredients (he hopes to become the Whole Foods of Snow Globes someday). They make excellent individual and corporate gifts. For example, as part of the promotion for the recent movie, Lars and The Real Girl, celebrity guests at the premier were given goodie bags containing a Snow Globe depicting the scene in the movie where Lars is dancing with the Doll. The snow comes down, they twirl around, music plays and for a moment the Snow Globe owner realizes that we each, in our own way, live in our own Snow Globe where we dance with our illusions (or can the Doll become a Real Girl?). Steve is currently working on a new Snow Globe to be called “Cognitive Rocket Ship.” Inside the Globe is a rocket ship that is about to take off and inside the rocket ship sits the pilot looking into a Snow Globe of a rocket ship about to take off and inside that rocket ship sits the pilot looking into a Snow Globe of a rocket ship about to take off. They are having some technical problems with it because the third Snow Globe in a Snow Globe is really, really tiny.
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Reading this reminded me of this past August, when I was faced with a deadline to submit my “bio” to be included in my 20th HS reunion booklet. I figured they might be bored of the “I’m married, have x number of kids, work at such-and-such company,” thing, so I decided to try to knock it up a notch and submitted the biggest pack of lies I’ve ever seen, tinged with the truth. I really wanted them to publish it, so I tried to keep it on the edge of believable (I did join the Army, I did live in Korea and Ireland, I did major in English, etc.). Unfortunately, the committee passed it amongst themselves until they got to the one person on the committee who could, with authority, confirm or deny some crucial parts of the tale, so they asked me to change my story. Drats, I was so close…where do you suppose I went too far?

After High School, I joined the Army and served for three years, part of which was during the first Gulf War, but since I was stationed in South Korea, the action I saw was limited to airstrikes against starving civilians and covert top-secret, faux high class call girl operations in an attempt to infiltrate Kim Il Sung’s inner circle.

After my honorable discharge from the Army, I moved to Chicago, where I worked as a bartender in numerous North Side bars. Simultaneously, I attended the University of Illinois at Chicago, graduating Phi Beta Kappa at the top of my English Literature Class and double-majoring in Refrigeration Management (Mom always said I should have something to fall back on). At this time I also became fluent in Arabic.

One night at the bar, I met a talent agent who represented the band U2’s American marketing interests, and he invited me to move to Dublin to work as the band’s publicist. Although I initially declined because of my long-term secret relationship (I’m not at liberty to say with whom), after a few months I decided it was in my best interests to pursue other avenues (I guess I finally realized he was never going to leave his wife).

Ireland didn’t work out for me, despite the close friendship I had developed with Bono. I was simply not happy and moved back to Chicago four months later. Unfortunately, when I moved back, dire financial straits led me to unwise retail wholesale opportunities that ultimately cost me a few years of my life, which I spent contemplating my true sexual orientation in Marion, IL. When I finished that project, I found myself devoid of my citizenship and decided to relocate South of the border in Playa del Carmen, Mexico.

Now I live in a thatched-roof cabaña on the beach in the Mexican Caribbean making and selling telephones and lamps carved from coconut shells and am happier than I deserve to be (www.heatherinparadise.com). The past 20 years have been interesting, to say the least, and I look forward to what the next 20 years will bring.

Although, of course, my name hasn’t been officially changed, If you see me at the reunion, please do me a favor and call me “Angela.” Thank you.