I am troubled. Today I came face-to-face, again, with the fact that I am big, loud, and embarrassing.
It seems to me that most people have a social filter that prevents them from saying or doing certain things. I’m not sure I have ever had such a filter. My family has always looked to me to be the “entertainment” at parties and around them, being funny comes naturally to me. In social situations, when I am among people with whom I feel comfortable, there is virtually nothing I will not do to score a laugh, especially at my own expense. I get drunk on the feeling I get from making people laugh, it’s an indescribable drug high.
I can trace where it comes from and it’s such a boring, oft-told story. My dad checked out early, my mom was young and doing her own thing, and I grew up looking for attention wherever I could find it until I found something that stuck. The hackneyed sad clown going through her routines, wearing big shoes and a giant daisy that squirts water.
The truth is, I frequently suffer from social anxiety and sometimes, the only way out for me is to put on the clown suit. Drinking a couple of shots helps, too. There are aspects of me that wish I was the quiet, shy person sitting in the corner, drinking it all in. Listening and laughing, not feeling the compulsion to say something, anything. I am exhausting to be around, I know it.
Once, in anger, someone who loves me told me that I’m “loud and never let anyone else talk.” This hurt desperately to hear; hit harder than a punch in the jaw, probably because it’s more true than I like to admit.
Tuesday night, my friend Michele recorded the tail end of a little “skit” I came up with as our friend Chris Bolister sang “Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For.” I don’t know why, but I pretended to “sign” the song along with him the way you sometimes see on television. It took me a while to get the courage, but I finally watched the entire video, cringing the whole time. I considered asking her to remove it from you tube, but after thinking about it for a long time, I figured, fuck it. I am who I am. Warts and all.
Yes, I’m loud and yes, I’m embarrassing. But I do promise to let you talk, at least once in a while. So you better have something funny to say.
I love you warts and all! Don’t you dare change a thing……
By: Sara on December 5, 2008
at 4:19 pm
I don’t think I could change now, even if I wanted to. As they say, leopards can’t change their spots.
By: heatherinparadise on December 5, 2008
at 4:23 pm
See you on or around the 17th.
I’ll say hi now, you know, just in case I don’t have anything funny to say then.
I want to see you and Alicia together.
I have a joke to tell you involving sign language and sailors. Remind me if I forget.
hugs
Ron and Kathy
By: Ron and/or Kathy on December 5, 2008
at 4:31 pm
I agree with Sara. Why would you want to change anything? It’s great to see everyone enjoying themselves!! I’m of the opinion that people who laugh a lot live longer.
By: darla on December 5, 2008
at 4:37 pm
DON’T YOU DARE CHANGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are fun, hilarious, generous, very thoughtful among many other amazing traits. People are far too worried about what other people think of them. I’m finally at an age (44 and it comes with age), I don’t give a damn what they think, most of them are too wrapped up in their egos that they wouldn’t know funny if it slapped them upside the fucking head. That, my girl, was freakin’ hilarious. Reminds me of Manne’s last year & the colonoscopy story (very funny for us as my hubby had just underwent colon cancer surgery). My face & sides hurt from laughing so much and my dear girl, I really, really needed that about then. Btw, I’m down in Feb, I want to buy you a drink or two or three. I’ll pm you closer to then. SO DON’T GO CHANGIN’ ON ME!!!! or any of us for that matter!!
By: Jackie on December 5, 2008
at 5:14 pm
OMG Heather, that was so funny. I’ve only met you a couple of times, the first years ago at one of the earliest peep meets and I figured out then that you have a wonderful soul and a great outlook on life. By the way, was that JimmyMN in the background taking all those pictures? Don’t change for anybody!
By: Semra on December 5, 2008
at 5:42 pm
P.S. Love the new look of the blog!
By: Sara on December 5, 2008
at 5:50 pm
Ron, I look forward to seeing you both!
Darla: Thank you. If it was easy to change things about myself, my attention-whoriness wouldn’t be the first or last thing I’d change, but somewhere in the middle. At least I’m not one of those people who have sticks up their asses and never laugh at anything, ever.
Jackie: You are so good to me. Did I know that it was colon cancer that your hubby had? Because my colonoscopy jokes, those seem like they might have been a little inappropriately timed…but I guess that proves my point about not having a filter. For sure, we’re drinking together when you’re here.
Semra: How sweet you are. Thank you. And yes, that was the infamous JimmyMN. He took about a million photos of me and not one of them was any good. I’m starting to think maybe I’m the problem.
By: heatherinparadise on December 5, 2008
at 6:32 pm
Well you certainly weren’t LOUD there at all!
We all love ya for who you are, Heather. If it works, why change it?
(btw, where the heck ARE you in that video???)
By: Susie Q Roo on December 5, 2008
at 6:51 pm
wow, did we have the same morning today? you write about being big, loud and obnoxious and i write about being big, loud, obnoxious and completely full of myself.
i say we’re both awesome.
By: erin on December 5, 2008
at 8:02 pm
A video like this, and the memories everyone there has, will be the type of thing people remember you for. They will remember that you made them laugh, which is one of the MOST important gifts one can have. And many, I dare say, will be envious of your joie de vivre. Don’t look at it as being an attention whore, look at it as it makes you feel good to make others feel good and laugh. That’s what I do with baked goodness.
I believe we should always question ourselves. It’s part of the introspection necessary for personal evolution. Besides, you can’t fight who you are. I’ve tried, it just doesn’t work. And, I’m finding through your writing, that you and I are far more alike than I knew.
By: Elizabeast on December 5, 2008
at 8:19 pm
the truth is , is that you make it fun for everyone else when you are “on”, and if you didnt it would be quite insipid and bland.and you were born with your wit and outgoingness, it wasnt just a craving for attention……..youre a natural!
By: mom on December 5, 2008
at 9:27 pm
Heather, it wasn’t inappropriate & yes, you knew about the colon cancer. That was one reason we were discussing colonoscopies. My soapbox…. don’t ever put off getting one, uncomfortable, yes, but better than dead, imho. Btw, he’s alive & bitchy as ever!!!! He had problems, didn’t give up until we found the problem, got it early, he will die in about 50 years (according to the oncologist)….off my soapbox now.
Bring on February!!!!!
By: Jackie on December 5, 2008
at 9:31 pm
So what’s wrong with being loud and funny? I have never yet not been able to get a word in edgewise when I’m around you. When I can stop laughing and talk at all that is! Love you warts and all!
By: islagringo on December 5, 2008
at 9:49 pm
Heather,
Sweetie! Stop it! Do not beat yourself up! I watched the whole thing and thought – that Heather she is so smart and so much fun. I thought the whole video was hilarious because of you. Do not ever, ever question yourself after having fun. No mather what anyone else thinks. Just say f— it. I did it. It was fun. No one got hurt. Heil la Lou Ya – sweet Jesus. I had a good time and some other people did too. (O.K. now I am questioning myself cause I am in wine world – did I do the Heil La Lou Ya right.)? People help me out here.
By: Valnan on December 5, 2008
at 11:28 pm
you speak? a lot? really? I would like to see that myself… so try and meet me, wouldja???
By: charmarie221 on December 6, 2008
at 3:14 am
You look great btw. Life in the sun suits you.
(a loyal lurker)
By: barry s on December 6, 2008
at 4:13 am
Heather,
Are you a middle child-or perhaps the 3rd of 3. I ask that because at times you remind me of me- or at least how I think people percieve me. Which at most times in my opinion is not accurate or the real me. However God gave me broad shoulders instead of big boobs. (from your video- he blessed you with both)
Big, loud and obnoxious is fine as long as the people around you feel the love.
BB
By: Bluberry on December 6, 2008
at 9:22 am
OMG Heather. I just love you!!!! You are who you are. Be proud of it. This is coming from someone who could never find enough Compound W to get rid of my warts. I’ll see you at Shammy’s B-day on Monday. I’ll sing, you can sign. Or I’ll sign and you can sing.
By: Jami on December 6, 2008
at 5:05 pm
You should totally try out for the Happy Hands club, you are a shoo in.
Great video, and I agree about not changing a thing about you!
By: Maranda on December 7, 2008
at 8:40 am
once upon a time, at the end of a summer party in Brooklyn, I got into our fountain fully clothed and sang “let me entertain you” with dancing, natch. thankfully no one was filming that enchanting performance…
I think you’re hysterical (in the good way) and awesome! rock on, sister.
By: jilian on December 7, 2008
at 2:20 pm
Well it seems I’m the only one to rate it awesome!
By: John on December 7, 2008
at 9:15 pm
well, I couldn’t see this from your post, but found it on youtube….funny girl! I like the tongue of angels part where you flutter your wings as you lick like a whore.
BTW, I NEVER find you exhausting and yes, entertaining, I am almost the same where I would do almost anything for a laugh…even pull down some strangers pants at six flags in line for the demon. See, you DO know where to draw the line, I don’t. And we were uh…13, so, alcohol cannot be blamed. Geez…I still feel bad about that.
Stupid peer pressure.
By: Amy on December 7, 2008
at 11:21 pm
Too damn funny, Heather. I wish we’d been there, I was giggling along. Of course don’t change – that’s crazy talk.
By: thisbumpyjourney on December 8, 2008
at 9:25 am
From one attention-whore to another…it kinda looks to me that you were holding back a bit.
If you gonna do it, do it!
By: James on December 8, 2008
at 4:05 pm
James, you’re so right. The funniest bit was the “natural” beginning, before the video was running. Once everyone was laughing, taking photos, and staring at me for more, I got stage fright.
By: heatherinparadise on December 8, 2008
at 4:25 pm
You sound like a fun loving person .. someone that people want at parties .. don’t change.
By: KW from Michigan on December 9, 2008
at 10:37 am
Heather, you are one of the funniest people i know, please keep like that!
By: Jorge on December 9, 2008
at 10:46 pm
Oh MY God.
Ok coincidences…?
My name is heather, I live in Puerto Vallarta (paradise), I always do fake sign language, and I used to do fake tawainees …?! I AM LOUD. I saw your picture and it reminds me of how I ALWAYS THINK I LOOK BETTER UPSIDE DOWN.
hMM. You seem like me?? only cuter. and funnier. I swear when you were describing yourself it sounded like something I am just sure I’ve written on a blog before..at some point.
But difference.. I can be uptight sometimes. but I do LOVE being obnoxious. I think that is what I miss about living in Mexico, not enough obnoxious opportunities. Except when my friend came to visit a few weeks ago.
Where is Playa del Carmen?
By: Heather on December 9, 2008
at 10:59 pm
Hey there Heather.. That was great,,, What a Good time, but I fail to see whats wrong with someone who can be natural, without a facade, make another smile and do what we all would like to do,, .. so what that you make yourself vulnerable . based on these blog comments you are surrounded by folks that want no more than to walk up and give you a big hug… Well I would like to ask one other favor.. If you can organize all the Whores,,,, can I be the team doc… it would mean a lot to me….
By: barry on December 9, 2008
at 11:59 pm
Hey Puerto Vallarta Girl: thanks for the shoutout on your blog and for dropping by! I’m going to dive into your blog, now. I tried to leave this as a comment there, but had problems with the verification word not loading. Grrrr.
Playa del Carmen is about 50 miles south of Cancun, so we are on the Caribbean coast…way on the other side of where you are, darn it.
There definitely aren’t enough Heathers in Mexico, we shall have to recruit more, so that Mexicans will have more of an incentive to learn how to pronounce our name!
Good to “meet” you!
By: heatherinparadise on December 10, 2008
at 10:38 am
Hm. When I was around you were never loud or let noone else talk. Maybe that is because I was always talking so you never had a chance to get in there!!! : )
Totally know what you are talking about- but, as you also said: THAT my dear is YOU. YOU are unique. And many wish they could be in your shoes. So ingore the haters and make peace with yourself.
I know how hard that is because I beat myself up for something I said or did at least once a day, still.
And the vid made me laugh out loud.
By: joana on December 12, 2008
at 12:52 am
OMG, you would fit right IN with my family. Give me a call when you’re ready to be adopted!!!
Fned.
By: Fned on December 14, 2008
at 6:17 am
Dude- don’t you dare ask Michele to remove that! It was one of the truly funniest, most spontaneous things I saw while in Playa, I laughed with you along with everyone else there (especially the boobage bits, very impressive!).
Maggie
By: Maggie on December 15, 2008
at 3:15 pm
Heather, I have never met you, but I look forward to the day!
By: Laura on January 2, 2009
at 3:22 pm