I started this blog a while back, right after my trip home to Chicago, but never finished. With my computer on hiatus, it’s been fermenting until now. It may or may not have gotten a bit too rank and heavy, so I’ll do my best to post some innocuous Halloween photos in the next day or two to soothe everyone’s ragged nerves.
Ok, so Ima talk about my period and blood and female shit, so if you’re a squeamish “man” who’s too chicken to buy tampons for your girlfriend then you better check out now. Consider your sackless asses warned.
Now, for the rest of you…Look into my eyes…you are getting very, very sleepy…
I am slightly embarrassed to mention that my period took me by surprise at the Labor Day picnic I attended in Chicago this past September. Let me remind you all that I am 38 years old. Since I’ve only been getting my period every month for the last 25 years (that’s 300 chances to get it right, for those of you not standing by with calculators), it’s only natural and totally forgivable that I was not prepared and had to avail myself of the International Lady-Emergency Hotline to get straight (Martina to Katie to Heather and…SCORE!! And the crowd goes wild!!).
After 25 years of monthly spontaneous bloodletting, one might think that sooner or later one would start to run out of blood and that the “end” years of the Bleeding Game would result in fainter and fainter episodes of cramping and clotting. That over time, the quantity of flowage would be directly proportionate to the ever-lessening quantity of wishful eggs-to-be-released. That my PMS would infinitesimally dissipate and my menstrual discomfort slowly, but surely grind to a complete stop, to the strains of creepy organ music distortedly unwinding in a slow motion Merry-Go-Round nightmare.
But no. That’s not how it has been for me. I’m starting to think that Mother Nature, She’s got it out for me big time. I’m pretty sure that vindictive bitch wants me to give birth and She hasn’t exactly been a shrinking violet in letting me know it, increasingly making my periods heavier, longer, and harder to endure than ever. My period used to be a gentle little procreation reminder each month, a charming Victorian glove slap saying, You cad, you are wasting our time, but now it’s a back-alley beat down that practically leaves me in traction and only able to communicate by blinking. If I’m found soon in the bottom of a lake, handless and with my feet sunk into cement, you’ll know that only my childlessness is to blame, and Mother Nature is the culprit.
Because I’m the faithless traitor. The one rejecting Her simple fertility demands, the careless slut reaping all the benefits of sex with none of the penalties. The mocking vixen sitting motionless, watching all her freely-given figs wither on the branch.
And I have to admit, She’s starting to get to me. I feel like a POW caving under torture, giving not only my name, rank, and serial number, but also top-secret information that will breach every security device I’ve installed over the years to protect myself from motherhood.
After all, as my family and friends can attest, I have always loved kids, especially babies (sweet Christ, I could eat babies for breakfast every single day of my life and never tire of them). I met my friend Keersten’s new baby a few weeks ago and had to be physically restrained from swallowing little Elsa whole, booties and all.
When I met M. over 8 years ago, he made it very clear from the absolute start that he unequivocally did NOT want children. And in my not-quite-30-year-old-and-attitudinal state, I thought, “So fucking what, buddy? What makes you think I even WANT to have a kid, sheesh! And even if I did, what in the hell makes you think you’re such a great catch?!” (Ah, how quaint the beginnings of long relationships look through a telescope.)
I have been truly ambivalent about it for many years, unsure whether or not I should or should not have children. Struggling with massive self-centeredness and feeling unequal to the monumental task of raising a well-adjusted little person. Knowing that if I DID decide that I wanted to be a mother that it would mean leaving behind someone I love and disrupting my entire life.
Something that bothers me is this: Any idiot can have kids. The dopes, they’re not sitting home worrying about overpopulation or the sort of psychological damage they’ll inevitably inflict upon their children. They’re just out there breeding indiscriminately, instilling in their kids the same fucked-upedness that threatens to end our planet. It’s the people like me, people like my friends, people like you, who value education, the arts, critical thinking, who shun racism and homophobia and sexism and lots of other –isms, we’re the ones who NEED to be having babies. And I feel in some ways that my refusal to do so (and my friends’ refusal to do so; I have few friends with children) is a real dereliction of duty, a lazy shirking of responsibility to our race.
I thought I’d left this battle behind for good, consoling myself with the fact that there are LOTS of ways for me to have kids in my life without having to mother them, should I decide in the future that I need more shortie time. I am still of the belief that in the unlikely event I should decide to mother, I will opt for non-biological motherhood, since I get overwhelmed and sad thinking about the amazing number of existing kids who need parents, but don’t have them. I don’t have to squeeze a kid out of my vag to love it fiercely enough to kill anyone who tried to hurt it. My nephew and niece are living testaments to the truth of that sentiment.
Until recently, this has only been a philosophical dilemma, but lately I’ve been feeling like I’m engaged in an all-out monthly war game: Brutal, hand-to-hand combat with my own body. It’s pretty apparent to me that at this late date, neither one of us is going down without a fight.
Either your body is screaming to have children, going through premenopause or wants you to go and get a puppy!!LOL
I haven’t had a period in over a year. Menopause has taken care of that. But, before they ended the periods were like going into war and I was bleeding to death from the wounds!! Couldn’t even leave the house, for days, without wrapping my lower half in gauze.
By: Islaholic Trixie on November 13, 2008
at 7:33 am
I dared read the entire post and am glad I did. I feel I know you even better now. As far as kids, I say “know thyself”. Early, early on, B wanted to adopt. We seriously discussed it. (I was about 32) I finally admitted that I was too selfish and it would not be a good thing. Now I sometimes wish I hadn’t known myself quite so well. I would hazard to quess that this question is going to be an ongoing thing for you.
By: islagringo on November 13, 2008
at 8:26 am
As one of your few friends with children, I don’t envy you this inner struggle. It is one I have never faced. I NEVER wanted children and it turns out that being a mother is the most important job to be…period. It makes me complete and helps me make sense of the world and my place in it. I guess everything does happen for a reason. I was fortunate to have several careers and a lot of fun before my little ones entered the picture so I have no regrets, no “what ifs”. Most of my friends have had chldren at an older age as well. While being older, more experienced in the world and more mature will not necessarily make one a better mother, it certainly helps. I think you would make a wonderful mother should you choose, ultimately, to pursue that path. Also, as an adopted child, I say “Bravo!” for considering that option. Mil besos y abrazos!!
By: micheleinplaya on November 13, 2008
at 8:43 am
What perfect timing, this one. I too prefer to remain childless*, so the only thing that makes sense to me as to why I endure this monthly (and sometimes bi-monthly) trauma is that it has to somehow be related to guilt. Why not, everything else is.
*Only once did I want kids, but it involved a drunken night with a guy whose proposal was to marry me, have 8 kids, and live on a farm in Pekin, Indiana selling corn out of the back of a ’64 Dodge pickup. Tempting, I know, but then, there was a LOT of beer involved.
By: Joyce on November 13, 2008
at 9:20 am
I too had that monthly battle but it got to be as my doctor put interfering with my life (try getting to a bathroom about a quarter of a mile away at a ball diamond & hoping you’ll make it). I was done having my kids, so I had what is called an endometrial ablation, they basically laser the inside of your uterus. This has been the best thing that ever happened to me, very little PMS, I do have some but not near as bad & virtually no bleeding. If you are certain you’re not going to give birth(you’re basically rendered useless, slim, slim chance of pregnancy), it’s an option to look at, especially if it gets to the point you can’t go anywhere (I was about your age when it started getting heavier & heavier). If you or anyone wants more info, I can try & let ya know.
As for the kids, I obviously have them but my bestest friend chose not too & she is the bestest “auntie” ever (well, when they are ALL behaving), she’d go to the ends of the earth for her nieces, nephews, my kids and a few more friends kids. It’s a totally personal thing to have or not have them & don’t ever let anyone tell you different. I wish you all the best whether you decide to raise a child or not.
By: Jackie on November 13, 2008
at 12:17 pm
I can pretty much echo what Michele said, I never, ever, EVER wanted kids until Hubby talked me into it (at an age older than most). Second echo, I too am adopted and think it’s great that it’s an option you would consider, yay!
And I am so with you on the getting older, periods getting worse thing. It’s the root of my health problems right now, it’s become debilitating. I’m still “in process” of coming up with a plan for the doctor, though the Mirena coil seems to be a great option. My friends that have it LOVE it, they say their periods are barely even noticeable anymore.
So, good luck with the health issues, the philosophical ones and the psychological ones. Thanks for sharing such a personal topic, I do feel like I know you a bit better now and it’s all good things. Ciao bella!
By: CancunCanuck on November 13, 2008
at 12:38 pm
I love that word ‘fucked-upedness’.
By: kt on November 13, 2008
at 1:09 pm
the biological imperative is a beotch. One minute you ( and I mean me) are all I am seriously too nuts to mother anyone but possibly some very independent house plants and the next…tiny New Balances are making you weep at the mall.
By: jillian on November 13, 2008
at 2:29 pm
I am so glad I dont have an Anut Flo. I got rid of her 9 years ago.Periods were lasting 3 weeks at a time and I was so anemic I thought I would bleed to death.Got an emergency hysterectomy on the last visit (Anut Flo decided to stay and after 4 weeks still hadnt left) and never looked back. Best thing I ever did!
And when I met Gregg, I told him “no kids” He was fine with it. I have 2 grown boys and he counts them as his now.
Our cats are our kids…lol
By: purpledragonfly on November 13, 2008
at 3:54 pm
Am I the only male commenting on this? WOW, I might have just punched my self in the nuts.
First off, I cannot begin to understand what you were talking about and I would never pretend to. But I must say it made me laugh! Very descriptive!
Second, can I call you “the careless slut”?…I didn’t think so.
Keep it real soul sista, keep it real…
By: Adam on November 13, 2008
at 5:24 pm
I, too, never had the dilemma. Our first was a surprise, although a welcome one. And some of my very, very happiest moments, if not *the* happiest, involved motherhood. I do think it’s entirely natural that you’re feeling what you’re feeling, though. Your body is just wanting you to be sure of what you’re doing.
On another note, this sentence is brilliant:
“My period used to be a gentle little procreation reminder each month, a charming Victorian glove slap saying, You cad, you are wasting our time, but now it’s a back-alley beat down that practically leaves me in traction and only able to communicate by blinking.”
By: thisbumpyjourney on November 13, 2008
at 5:42 pm
Wow, everyone, this post has really elicited some quality comments. I’m lucky to have all of you reading.
And Adam, you’re not the only male…Wayne beat you to the punch (so to speak). Hold onto those testicles, you’re going to need them.
By: heatherinparadise on November 13, 2008
at 5:43 pm
I think I gave you my opinion the first time we met…
I stick to it.
By: James on November 13, 2008
at 5:44 pm
…unsolicited then, as it is now, I humbly admit…
By: James on November 13, 2008
at 5:45 pm
Wow you really said it sistah!
As a 30 *ahem* something woman with no children, I also face the physical/mental/emotional struggle with the baby making issue. Sometimes I watch Jerry Springer and just think- fuck it, how is the one life I could maybe manage to nuture and not totally fuck up, gonna off set all THAT!
Then I have the days where, I am sure that not only could I still birth more children than my shoe size, but also take on all of the worlds unwanted babies and, well, singlehandedly save the planet- I think they call this bipolar PMS jaja.
Really though, being here and prolly my age has made me think about this more and more. Taxi drivers ask me if I have kids and when I say no they look at me like I have a horn growing out of my forehead and say “Don’t you want any!?” with disgust *heavy sigh*.
I keep thinking to myself if it happens, it happens, but it can’t happen if I keep preventing it from happening… ahhh the confusion!
Can you tell by my comment I’m hanging with the red devil as I type and breath!? LOL! Awesome post!
By: lisaloveloca on November 13, 2008
at 6:50 pm
Ahh memories. First the super light periods in my thirties and forties (the perimenopause years)then it was iron pills in my late forties because of heavy periods, ending with one bitch of a last period shortly after my 56th birthday. Hang in there, Heather!
By: darla on November 13, 2008
at 8:26 pm
Have you ever had an ultrasound for fibroids? What you describe sounds so familiar.
By: allthingsarial on November 13, 2008
at 8:35 pm
Heather, that blew me away, like all your writing does, really. I am so jealous of your talent!
And I hear ya sister! It’s a tough one.
By: Maggie on November 13, 2008
at 8:58 pm
I have been playing numbers games when thinking about reproducing for a year or two now. Such as: “Well, CancunCanuck got pregnant in her mid-thirties, so I could too!” or “I get five more years for myself and then I’ll get knocked up.” Such ambivalence! And then there’s always the conundrum of being financially prepared. I keep having to remind myself that no one is ever truly financially prepared for kids, although I just can’t figure out how it could happen with me right now.
And then I watched two drug dealing thugs under the age of twenty talk about one’s six-month-old and another’s who is due next month in my office. The first offered to give the other a list of baby names that he had come up with before settling on the one he and his BM (Baby Mama, not Bowel Movement like I thought) gave their kid. And then they talked about baby sleep schedules. Truly surreal.
By: Melissa on November 13, 2008
at 10:00 pm
I have several friends in the same boat as you and I always think how the world is missing out by not having more intelligent caring people like them.
On the lighter side, have you ever seen Idiocracy? This what could happen if all the good people of the world don’t procreate.
By: Carmen on November 13, 2008
at 11:38 pm
Heather, this is an excellent piece of writing. Maybe one of my favorites of all of yours.
I had a long response started and decided it would make for better conversation. Remind me, okay?
And yeah, I’m still waiting for the Halloween pictures.
By: Susie Q Roo on November 14, 2008
at 9:29 am
Great post Heather!!! Like Jackie, I had an EA years ago and highly recommend it if Flo takes over your life. I needed a 2nd one 6 months later but it’s a fairly simple procedure. I wish everyone had your attitude about children. Having one is a huge and very personal decision.
By: beanie on November 14, 2008
at 10:26 am
Wow! Stupendous post! Well, you know where I stand on both you and I having children. And just a general suggestion to you and other women here; I struggled over the summer with long periods, and 2 twenty minute acupuncture treatments did the trick; it blew my mind!!
By: Sara on November 14, 2008
at 11:03 am
thisbumpyjourney beat me to it on that greatest of all sentences you have written (that I’ve read) …
your writing is broadening, deepening and, in general, getting phatphatphat!!
besos, Caro
By: Caroline on November 14, 2008
at 2:40 pm
Wow! Still collecting my thoughts but just wanted to let you know that I found this to be a particularly profound post. As you may or may not recall, we’re in the process of attempting to adopt. (Definitely not for sissies.) Meanwhile, here I am feeling bloated and hormonal as Aunt Flo and I conduct what’s recently become our monthly catfight. So you’ve hit a lot of chords here.
Keep thinking, feeling and writing, Heather. You ROCK.
Ellen
By: ellen on November 14, 2008
at 9:18 pm
ellen, re: adoption/sissies
word!
By: James on November 15, 2008
at 10:59 am
Believe it or not, I have been facing this dilemma since I was 25!!! The french are so retro sometimes. It seems like here, the moment you get married you have 9 months to give birth before someone starts asking why you aint “expanding the family” yet!
Like you, I don’t think I’m sure I want to be a mom. Ever. When I married Hubby he was sincere with me. He didn’t want kids, yet. But he does want them one day. It’s been almost 4 years since we got married and although he still isn’t pushing for us to have any I can feel it coming. Everyone around us is having kids, they’re literally popping up like mushrooms all around us.
I know I still have time to think about it but I feel you when you speak of the confusing and the fear of raising a good little person (and add to that the fact that I’m a creature of habit and I know a little ” ’bout de chou” will only disrupt the pleasant routine we lead in our selfish lives).
As so many people have said before me in this post, it’s a personal choice and whatever you choose to do, I’m sure you’ll excel at it. I can only wish for you what I wish for myself, and that is inner peace.
Big hugs,
Fned.
P.S. Sorry about the period thing too. I’ve been on the pill so long now that my periods come and go with swiss clock’s rigidity. :s
By: Fned on November 15, 2008
at 1:38 pm
Heather!! Adam told me I needed to read this! Wow, what a great writer you are! You’d be just as great as a mom (well, better I’m sure)! You just naturally take care of others!
Hope you and S have a good time this week. I’m sad I can’t go along! Miss ya, chica!
By: SarahBI on November 15, 2008
at 1:41 pm
James, to me, your opinion is always solicited.
Allthingsarial: I have not. I think I will look into that, thank you!
Everyone else, thank you for your thoughtful, kind, generous, and interesting comments. It’s good to know I’m not alone in this struggle.
By: heatherinparadise on November 15, 2008
at 2:03 pm
As always Heather, I love your writing. This time I gulped hard for you, because when the baby-maybe’s come and your man has the baby-no’s….there is a big moment happening. Big moment.
I never had to think about it, and I am glad about that. I got pregnant in high school and had my second 19 months later. I’ll have to blog about that someday, if I can be as truthful as you are about things… Now my kids are 37 and 35 and I am so glad I had them, really really glad. But could I sit here and decide to do it, shit no.
Hang in there, you will figure it all out.
By: Nancy on November 15, 2008
at 7:38 pm
Heather,
I loved this post! The comments were great too. My daughter was born two weeks after my 19th birthday. Was I ready to have a baby? Hell no! But I made the choice not to have an abortion which seemed to be the birth control method of choice for some girls back then.
When I was 30 I was almost admitted to the hospital to control what I considered hemorrhaging. The next year I finally found a female GYN who after a few more tests agreed that I needed to have a hysterectomy. I never regretted not being able to have more children. I had decided at the young age of 31 that Tara was the only child I would ever have.
Best wishes to you with whichever way you decide to go on the baby front.
Oh BTW I loved the photo!
By: jackieinpdx on November 16, 2008
at 1:56 pm
Awesome, awesome post! I third the Comment about the beat down, by ThisBumpyJournal… excellent description!
My life is all about kids, it seems, but it was never something that was consciously decided, per se, as much as just HERE IT IS. And again… and WOW, AGAIN! Now? Really? Uterus–do you KNOW how old we are????
You know you’ll be awesome at whatever you decide to do. And in whatever capacity you decide your life should take you. Thanks for taking us along for the ride…..
By: charmarie221 on November 16, 2008
at 9:20 pm
I cannot wait til I’m an auntie again..maybe by then you will be here and I can have one too and we will raise our babies together like we should. (Are you tired of me sayin this yet?)
ITS A SHAME if you, my most dear friend does not have a child. A bloddy shame, I say.
By: Amy on November 17, 2008
at 9:18 pm
bloody too
By: Amy on November 17, 2008
at 9:19 pm
Great post Heather!!! Growing up and in my twenties I was never one to say “I HAVE to get married and have kids someday”, which instantly made me ‘different’. But I am finding that as I get older I love my unconventional life and know that we are all not meant to do the same things. Since I have had a helluva time with my reproductive system turing against me (five surgeries since 2001 for uterine fibroids) I can only guess that my early intuition was right and being a mom was most likely not my role in this lifetime. It takes a lot of strength to overcome the comments I get from those who think they know what is best for other people. If Kevin and I got pregnant tomorrow I would say, “Wow, this was meant to happen” and I know I would be a good mom. But if it doesn’t I am going to be OK, too. We should just enjoy the time we have while we have it. You gotta play with the cards you are dealt!
p.s. Becky was teasing me about kids at the last family thing at Terry’s and I loved it. Her jokes made me realize that this really not a life or death matter for me.
By: Jenny King on November 19, 2008
at 11:20 am
I guess I’m way behind ‘cus I just found you.. but here’s my 2 cents anyway.
I’m 38 in January -nother coincidence.
You know those best friends you have when you are 12. The best friends you’ll ever have… well, thats what they said in the movie “Stand by me” and I believe it. She and I dressed in our nearly matching black spandex and leopard shirts both declared that she wanted kids and to be a mom, and I didn’t.
Years later it was me who got knocked up first at 20 years old, pure fluke – since then I’ve had 2 more.
Now she does have one boy, but she’s like.. “Hey I was the one who wanted kids.” Like I broke some rule or something..
But the truth is… it has kept me on track. Who knows what would have happened to me if I didn’t have kids. They are 16, 6, and 2. And without my kids (and my 2nd husband) I might be lost and drunk somewhere in some random town. Who knows..? It has kept me grounded like someone else said above… without the kids… I think I would be a bit too wild… Though in a way I do miss that (being wild). But it did get pathetic a few times.
Now days all I need is my Manny, and some free time so I can come to some happy medium.
By: PuertoVallartaGirl on December 10, 2008
at 10:18 pm