Probably no one in the world will be surprised to learn that the rotten no-goodnik Chicago Cubs dropped their second post-season game to the damned LA Dodgers last night by a score of 10-3. It was a comedy of errors, only it was the unfunniest comedy I’ve ever seen. Every. Single. One. of the Cubs infielders made an error and our offense slept throughout the game. They all seemed terrified to be where they were, as if they were a tee-ball little league team who all of a sudden found out they had to play the big boys in Pony league.
I had been watching the VP debate, but Sarah Palin’s fake “folksy,” golly gee, I’m just like one of y’all speaking style made me so physically ill I decided to watch the Cubs game instead (btw, Ms. Palin, if you wink at me again I’m going to find you and gouge out your eyeball with a grapefruit spoon).
What a mistake. By the end of the game I felt as if I’d been refilling my glass with bile instead of wine. My phone wasn’t working properly, so I didn’t have the release of texting my commiserating friends. Although my heart’s not really in it, here are some of the things I shouted during the game (by the 7th inning I was too beaten down and weak to yell).
Warning: Some profanity
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I hate these people.
I am going to have a fucking aneurysm.
Are you KIDDING me?! You’re DERREK LEE!! You’re a fucking 3 time Gold Glove winner! No WAY! Oh my GOD! What’s WRONG with you people? Oh my GOD! Lou, what in the hell did you DO to them today?!
They’re playing like idiots.
Oh God, do we have anything to make shots with? I need a shot.
Lou, WTF?!
This is painful. Who are these people? What’s wrong with them?! Why are they DOING this to me? Why, God?
This is disgusting.
It’s not your fault, Carlos–it’s your team, they’re playing like idiots! Ignore them! They’re assholes!
The stupid crowd’s more fired up than THEY are!
It’s revolting. This is revolting.
Rally shot!
Thank God for Zambrano.
The DODGERS. I feel sick.
Fuck off, Torre!
Oh great. Fucking shit, another double play.
I hate this team. I hate this team. They don’t deserve to win.
I blame Lou. I blame the Cubs. I blame that damned goat. I blame everyone.
What a douchebag. God, I hate Manny Ramirez.
I feel deflated.
What is your PROBLEM, Lou? You’re not showing me anything–no pissedoffedness, nothing. Nothing! What’s WRONG with you?!
GOD, I hate that guy. Look at his stupid batting helmet–he’s only been on the team for a couple of months. You know he’s sitting there burning it with a lighter to make it look roughed up. He’s a turd. A big fat turd with dreads.
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After that, I lost all will to live. The next game is on Saturday and because I am a glutton for punishment, I will probably watch it; however, I’m going to watch it at Pinche Gringo’s bar. If I’m home I might destroy my television and then how would I watch CSI?
I’m a bit scared to say this, but your misery and outbursts make me laugh. Wish I could be more like you though and say what’s on my mind!
When you go to PG’s I suggest you wear a t-shirt with a warning label that states you are prone to frequent profane laden outbursts. The elderly, young children and those faint-of-heart types should steer clear.
Hope the next Cubs blog is a happy one!!
Go Heather’s Cubbies!!
By: Vanessa on October 3, 2008
at 9:34 am
I also started to watch the VP debate, but remembered your cubs…turned it on….hd….52 inches…almost as if I was there. Almost as soon as I turned it on, I wanted to go back to the debate, but snoring sounded much more fun. Good luck tomorrow my friend, you are gonna need it.
By: Amy on October 3, 2008
at 10:44 am
That is amazing, I have said all of those things that you ranted about at on time or another. Hopefully they will wake up and play like themselves.
By: Ranger on October 3, 2008
at 10:53 am
Heather I have been reading your blog for about a year and these last two days have been the best by far. I am one of those “f…ing” dodger fans that are loving this for the moment, not at your expense though. I still envy you and wish that I had the cohones to be an expat like yourself. Wish your cubs luck…
I think
By: Gus on October 3, 2008
at 11:03 am
Happy to amuse you as always, Vanessa. Wish you were here, I’d make you watch the game with me on Saturday. And drink La Pinta until our pesos ran out.
Amy: Be so glad you’re not a Cubs fan.
Ranger: It’s maddening, isn’t it? They play great for most of the summer, end up with the best record, and blow it in the post season. They make me want to tear off my own head and eat it.
By: heatherinparadise on October 3, 2008
at 11:06 am
Gus: Thanks, but we need more than luck. You wouldn’t happen to have any fairy dust lying around, would you? Grrrr.
By: heatherinparadise on October 3, 2008
at 11:12 am
I am dead to the world right now. I don’t watch sportscenter, I don’t check espn.com, I don’t want to even hear about it.
My biggest question is why the hell is Fukudome still playing? He strikes out every time…I was little Babe Ruth in there!
I don’t know if I can watch tomorrow, Sarah might have to talk me off the bridge…
By: bufante on October 3, 2008
at 2:38 pm
I only have to give up on them one more time this season. wtf Cubs, WTF?! The rest of the season was rehersal for what? Damnit!
By: JohnB on October 3, 2008
at 5:54 pm
IM WITH U 100% BUT ITS LIKE A GANG ONCE YOUR IN YOUR IN FOR LIFE!
By: SCOTT D on October 3, 2008
at 6:39 pm
I’m with you Heather. But for me is even worst, see my husband is a Sox fan even though he grew up on the north side. So I had to listened to his comments. However, Soxs just lost so revenge is sweet.
By: Velvet on October 3, 2008
at 8:08 pm
Here come the Hawks, the might Blackhawks…
By: Anthony on October 4, 2008
at 12:54 am
hahahaha! Actually, a lot of what you said on the game could have probably applied as well during the Debate!! LOL
And yeah… SP makes me sick, but even more the idea that people would actually FALL for her fake “six pack Joe” skit !!
Anyway, let us know how the game goes on Sat (although to tell you the truth, I hope they loose again, just so that we are treated to another hilarious Heather in Paradise post!)
Fned.
By: Fned on October 4, 2008
at 12:09 pm
I was going to do my christmas shopping with playoffs money. Not anymore apparently!
By: Martina on October 4, 2008
at 2:40 pm