This is going to be long.
So I have been pretty much under water, in a dramatic scene of my own making. I’ve been struggling with motivation issues in the workplace ever since I bought my plane tickets to visit home (I leave in a week). Don’t get me wrong; I get my work done, as I have always done, as I will always do. But. BUT, the joy has gone out of it. The dew is off the lily. Now that I’m my own boss there’s no one there to praise me but myself, and I’ve never been very good at saying nice things to myself.
I’ve been watching what I eat, working out, and drinking wine only twice a week and seriously, have been living much better inside this semi-cleaned pumpkin shell that is my head. And yet still the shit was piling up; little did I know I was composting a crying jag.
After work yesterday, we had to meet with our landlady, who had been pestering us for weeks to sign a new rental contract. We were resistant; it costs 2,000-3,000 pesos to pay for a contract and we simply don’t have that kind of cash. Plus, we felt she should trust us; after 3 years we have proved ourselves to be honest, reliable, trustworthy tenants. She insisted, but found a notary who would execute the contract for only 1,000 pesos, so we agreed to it. Incidentally, why is it the burden of the tenant to pay for the contract when it’s the landlord who requires it? We have to pay for something we don’t even want.
We live in a small, cement, rundown, two bedroom house in a fantastic neighborhood. We are 7 blocks from the beach, 1 block from Dac (our favorite specialty/veggie market), 2 blocks from Mega (major grocery store), and also very close to many of our favorite inexpensive restaurants. We love living where we live, but our neighborhood is popular with expat locals and the rents reflect this. Initially, our rent was 6,000 pesos per month. The next year, our landlady made a big show of telling us how much she loved us, how she never has to worry about us, and that we are such good people and she’s so appreciative that she was only raising our rent 10% (which is the maximum rent raise allowed by Mexican law). *eye roll*
This year she wanted to raise it again, to 7,000 pesos, saying the neighborhood merits it, etc. and that her rents are still low. And she’s right, our rent is lower than most people in the area. But she does NOTHING in this house, and has told us she plans to do nothing. The sink in the kitchen has been crumbling for 2.5 years—someday soon it will fall on my feet while I’m washing dishes. The roof needs weatherproofing, so rain has seeped into cracks and is causing the ceiling in our bedroom to crumble. She has known about both of these things, but never wants us to find someone to fix them because she thinks we will get a stiff “gringo tax.”
When she told us of the rent increase, I was so angry that we contemplated moving. We had to think about whether or not we could afford 7,000 pesos per month and told her so. She immediately offered to leave our rent as is for 6 months, then raise it by only 200 pesos in January (which would bring us to 6,800 pesos monthly). All of this was translated to me by my assistant (my landlady’s Spanish is very difficult for me to understand, for some reason). Since I’m leaving so soon for the US (for almost 3 weeks) and because we don’t have the money to move, we felt trapped into accepting whatever she offered, so we agreed.
When we arrived on time at the notary’s office, naturally she wasn’t there, so we sat and talked. I told Michael a bit about how I felt at work, as if I had a ton of stuff to do, no time to do it, and no money. I have one fantastic assistant, but much of what needs to be done in our business can only be done by me. We have agents withholding commissions (happens a lot this time of year), we need office supplies/furnishings we can’t yet afford, etc. We are growing our management client base quickly, but not quickly enough. Basically, all normal low-season stuff that will turn around in a matter of months.
Adding to this stress, our own personal money pit, the 1974 VW camper van rehab is nearing completion and we’ve got to come up with the dough to pay the man. As I sat there in the notary’s office talking to Michael, my mind reeled and came up with yet more to worry about: leaving for the US with no cash, the laptop we thought we could borrow from a friend so I could work while I’m gone won’t be fixed in time, so we have to find the dough to buy a laptop…by the time our landlady walked in, I was on the verge of tears.
She pulled out the contract and we saw that our rent will remain the same for 6 months, then it will be raised to 7,000 pesos (so an increase of 400 pesos per month, not 200 pesos). My hackles went right up, and I told her we weren’t happy, that she said one thing to us and then surprised us with a change in the deal just as we’re supposed to sign. She explained several times, but I had stopped listening. All I could see was that we were being taken advantage of. Finally, I listened to what she was saying. She said that this is what she had said all along, that initially she thought to raise it only by 200 pesos per month starting from the first month. Then her son suggested it would be easier for us if she left the rent the same for 6 months, then raise it by 400 pesos for the last 6 months, starting in High Season. It dawned on me that this made sense, and that my assistant had erroneously translated what she said. She was actually trying to HELP us in some way. We agreed that made sense and I apologized for misunderstanding her.
Well, as I started signing the 5 copies of the contract in the 6 different places each, all of a sudden I just started to cry and couldn’t stop, even though I was mortified. I seriously cried my way through 30 signatures. The poor landlady, she didn’t know what to do; I explained that I was sorry, that we didn’t have a problem with her, it was just that I am under a lot of stress and our business is new and just taking off, etc. She went into mother hen mode, telling me that everyone struggles at the beginning, that we are good people and that eventually good people succeed, and that in 6 months when it’s time for the rent raise if we are still feeling stretched financially that we should let her know because she wants to help us. Of course, all of this just made me cry harder.
I don’t think I can express how it feels sometimes to be an outsider. Being a foreigner has shown me what life must be like for the Mexican immigrants in the US and my compassion for them has only grown since I’ve lived here. While I don’t think of it often, I realized yesterday that I am almost constantly vigilant about something—whether it’s ensuring I’ve understood something correctly, to making sure I’m not being taken advantage of, to doing my best to not offend someone unintentionally. It’s exhausting at times, and yesterday I momentarily lost sight of what I love about my life.
After the gym this morning, I sat on a bench near the beach, eating ripe mango with chile and lime that I had bought from the fruit vendors in the square, watching a children’s sand castle competition. It was so hot, I splurged on a taxi home and the driver, named Cesar, was quite talkative. He praised my Spanish pronunciation, and when I asked him if he spoke English, he excitedly said that he knew a little, but wanted to learn more. He spoke a few phrases in impressive English, and when he got to my house, he invited me to go to his son’s birthday party tomorrow, saying his wife would love to meet me and also practice English. He promised to help me with my Spanish if I would help him with his English. He gave me his number and told me that next week when I need to go to the airport, he will take me for only the cost of the gas money. He asked me to call him and his wife tomorrow. I think I will.
While sinking, I hoped for someone to throw me a brick. Cesar threw me a rope instead, and towed me back in.
Arg! I have to go to work and you have me crying my makeup off! In spite of the emotional and stressful subject matter, this is a beautiful post. I can’t wait for you to get here and anything at all that you need to make this the best trip ever, you have to let me know.
By: Martina on August 23, 2008
at 12:31 pm
It is a beautiful post and what you are feeling – the strangeness + the extra effort it takes to live outside your culture – is all real. I don’t think it has a name but you have described it perfectly.
I think it is good that you are going north for a bit, if you find that you start missing Mexico, warts and all, then things will turn around.
Sending a big hug your way,
J
By: Jonna on August 23, 2008
at 12:59 pm
Amiga, all I can do is send you a big virtual hug and let you know that you are not alone. Being the wonderful person you are, there will always be someone there to throw a rope. It’s a pleasant surprise when it comes from a stranger, but I want you to know that I am always here with a big fat towline should you ever need it.
Keep on keepin’ on, hugs and love and shit.
By: CancunCanuck on August 23, 2008
at 1:12 pm
What a great piece,Heather…There is ALWAYS hope for the light @ the end of our tunnels….How awesum for u to make new friends when u were so down…Important lesson here,NEVER give up on things…everything that goes wrong only makes u stronger in the LONGRUN…good going……
By: cyndi on August 23, 2008
at 1:49 pm
Your landlady is so right!!! Things WILL get better.
By: darla on August 23, 2008
at 2:36 pm
What a fantastic post, glad to hear you recieved a life line, you really did express it to a tee what it is like to live here.
Have a great vacation!!!
By: Yessica on August 23, 2008
at 4:42 pm
Darn it Heather! You made me cry! I’m a mexican immigrant tryig to make it in the US and I can definitely ralate to how you feel. I can only tell you that it gets better as time goes on. I wish you the best from the bottom of my heart. Also, you should swing by Round Lake to say hi.
By: Velvet on August 23, 2008
at 8:34 pm
Wow, goosebumps on a sunday morning… Heather, I’ve been working away from home a lot and I can relate to it although I always have my return ticket and know I am going back home. You don’t need to be away constantly, sometimes I feel a little bit like this even when I am only 3 or 4 days away from home – when I am alone in the evenings and only the hotel room is waiting for me. I CAN entertain myself but sometimes I just don’t want to…
So, you are NOT alone and things will get better. Hope you have a great time back home!
By: Andiline on August 24, 2008
at 1:39 am
This really was a wonderful post because I COULD SO GET WHAT YOU WERE FEELING. I’ve been there, the stress of seeing the problems pile up and no visible way to resolve them, the frustration of feeling alone in a country you don’t fully understand and feeling like no one is going to go out of their way to help you… But in times like these I found that it helps to realize that if you look back on the problems you had two or three years ago they are now so past and long gone you can’t help but remembering them more with fondness than sadness because they taught you something and usually you got something valuable from them, be it new friends, wisdom or experience.
This too WILL pass girl, I know it. You’ll find a way to resolve the money problems and you can already count on your landlord’s kindness to help you out if you need it. Michael is there also so you are NOT alone and you’ll be visiting friends soon and that will make you realize that things can’t be THAT bad in life. And as proof that things WILL get better, Cesar, that kind bilingual taxi dude, will be taking you to the airport. How can you even doubt that things will turn out OK???
Here’s thinking of ya,
Fned.
P.S. That’s funny about you guys fixing up a VW camper van… my bro’s doing the same with an old 78 Westfalia… he’s a real combi fan (got two others already!!)… if you need any pointers I can give you his email… he’s a total pro on the subject. And a nice fella too.
By: Fned on August 24, 2008
at 5:52 am
Just when you think life REALLY sucks, God sends you a Cesar.
On a more serious note, I am still trying to imagine only drinking wine twice a week.
By: Stef on August 24, 2008
at 6:04 am
Martina: Seeing you WILL make it the best trip ever. I can’t WAIT until the Cubs game!
Jonna: Thank you. I know I will miss Mexico. I usually cry when I leave the US, but as soon as I land, I’m so grateful to be in my “real” home.
CancunCanuck: Thanks for being all cool and shit.
Cyndi: Thank you, sweetie.
Darla: How kind of you to take the time to comment here. Thank you.
Yessica: I know it’s a universal feeling, thank you for helping me see I’m not alone.
Velvet: I will be staying with my mom in Waukegan for most of the time, that is NOT far from Round Lake! It’s a possibility!
Andiline: Thank you for stopping by. I can only imagine how lonely it must get for you sometimes, traveling so much. You must be very self-sufficient!
Fned: I know you are right…your story of moving to Paris proves that things DO get better. In general I am a pretty happy person. I would LOVE to chat with your bro about Westfalias (ours is a Westfalia, too). Does he live here in Mexico?
Stef: Ok, I might have underestimated my wine consumption a TAD.
By: heatherinparadise on August 24, 2008
at 7:43 am
I am amazed at how your blog related to my life. I feel the same things you feel, except I don’t live in mexico…yet. I have to keep myself motivated every day. This is our high season for work right now. Winter is our low season. We call it Champagne vs Beer seasons. I am the landlord with Mexican Immigrant Renters. I rent on Isla and have the landlord that never fixes anything. Here in the US I fix everything for my renters and haven’t raised their rent since I have owned the place.
I sat through last Sunday’s church sermon and sobbed. The title of the sermon was “The worth of a man/woman.” I had been feeling worthless to the people around me and to myself. I too have been trying to drink less, work out and clear my mind. What it comes down to, for me anyway, is that a good cry can sometimes flush the mind and soul.
Everything little thing is gonna be all right. Hugs to you!!
By: Islaholic Trixie on August 24, 2008
at 8:32 am
Sending you virtual hugs amiga. We have all had those bad days or even bad weeks. Living in Mexico is not as easy as we would like it be and sometimes a normal mundane problem can be multiplied by a hundred because of the foreign country issue.
Keep an eye on that lanlord of yours because the most I’ve ever paid to get a contract done is $500 pesos and really, the landlord and the tennant should share the cost of the contract. Bottom line is she didn’t know your situation, but now that she does she may realize you’re not some rich expat she can just take advantage of, but you’re a human being with problems just like everyone else.
I am so happy you are taking a vacation up north. It ALWAYS put things in perspective for me to get away from Mexico. I knew that when I was itching to go back to Mecico that my time there was not over, and it made it much easier to deal with the various issues us expats have to deal with.
Hang in there you hot sexy smart mama! You can do “eat”.
By: Elizabeth on August 24, 2008
at 11:21 am
This totally made me cry my eyes out this morning here at work. I really enjoy your blog and writing style, most of the time I can totally relate! I wish paradise was easier sometimes
I’m glad that you are getting away and I hope you have the best time ever! You deserve it.
By: Claudette on August 24, 2008
at 1:42 pm
Have a Safe trip , Heather . this was a great blog, you are like an open book,,.Talk about a small world, I am doing the exact same things..watching what I eat( haven’t poked my cheek with a fork all week), joined a gym, Manny’s NO PAIN..we get in a pool and isometrically hug each other,, ( except the Dickerson Twins, they are in to fondling )and the Wine..wow.. me too, every third day I quit Rum and drink wine (the non alcoholic beverage..wink) .. Small World,, Have a super time on your trip.
By: barry on August 24, 2008
at 6:16 pm
As far as I know, the tenant pays the contract and here in Merida it is one month’s rent,whic is outrageous, but can be for however long you want. So next time ask for a 2 or 3 year contract or ask the landlady to pay part. This is a bargaining culture, also get your stuff fixed and deduct the money off the rent. You can’t keep paying rent increases on a place that is getting worse and worse. Maybe one of your Mexican friends can talk to the landlady.
I understand about getting so overwhelmed that all you can do is cry. I think blogging about it helps. I can’t believe how much rent you pay, but you live at the beach.
Hang in there, you deserve to be happy.
regards,
Theresa
By: Theresa in Mérida on August 24, 2008
at 6:48 pm
Heather, how sweet of cesar! I ALWAYS was overly friendly with the taxi drivers and found them all to be so caring and nice. (they just wanted a good tip prolly) But I am glad he saved you this day.
Mago y chili limon is my very favorite.
Why can’t you use my laptop while you are here? I simply use it for myspace only to talk to you…since you will be here….have it.
When exactly will you be here, up north…
Love you miss you cant wait to see you
By: Amy on August 25, 2008
at 6:04 pm
Heather, love of my life. I’m sitting here NOB having a great time and NOT missing Mexico at all. Questioning my decision to stay there when I return. But I know once back on my island I will love it again. I wish I were there to give you a gigantic hug and let you know how much we all love you. Hell, I love you so much, I would even get in a boat if that was needed to be closer to you when I throw that line. Take care of yourself sweetie.
By: islagringo on August 25, 2008
at 8:15 pm
Hey Hun,
first and foremost: big HUG to you!!
Not that it helps you- but I have been on the verge of a breakdown for days as well…..hasn’t happened yet but I skipped work today because of it, to just roll myself up in fetal position on the bed for half the day and smoke to much. So it’s bound to be around the corner.
Different reasons here- but when things weigh one down, no matter WHAT they are, it always feels the same. Lonely, desperate, claustrophobic in a sense. Makes you question everything and wether what you are doing is right and worth it.
But here is a fact: both of us have people in our lives who love us. So we must be doing something right somehow. And I believe these times of crisis only come to make us question what we do and once they pass KNOW that what we do, who we are and HOW we are doing things is right.
To me these phases have become a f-ed up way of life making me reconfirm that I am on the right path. Or not- and in that case they give a chance for change.
HUGS.
By: Joana on August 26, 2008
at 8:26 am
I’m so behind on blog reading… this was such a great entry, Heather… thanks for writing it… all praise to Cesar!
By: charmarie221 on August 26, 2008
at 11:05 pm
Man, sounds like you’re due for a trip to the States. Sometimes, just being where everything is “easy” (as in language, culture, etc) makes everything ok and recharges you to go back to life here.
People are people, no matter where you are, and I can’t help but think that people are mostly good. Cesar is just the latest bit of proof for my theory!
I hope you have a nice, restful trip where you get to catch up with people you love and enjoy the cooler weather.
By: mexpat on August 27, 2008
at 9:16 am
Islaholic: Wow, I wish you were my landlady! Thanks for your kind words.
Elizabeth: Thanks, chica. The contract thing is pretty standard at 2,000 to 3,000 pesos here. The landlady lives in Cancun and does say it is less there, however.
Claudette: Oh, I’m sorry I made you cry…and you were at work on a SUNDAY! Thanks so much, I am really looking forward to getting away.
Barry: Thank you–yup, I am an over-sharer, for sure. Wait until you read the waxing blog I’m about to write. Haha!
Theresa: Thank you, I am mostly happy. Just a little buildup of stress, I’ll get over it. You’re right, blogging does help. So do all the comments from my lovely readers. You’re all wonderful.
Amy: Gracias, amiga. I will see you very, very soon. Thank you for the laptop offer, but I’ve found a solution, unbelievably.
Wayne: Aww, you choked me all up. You’d get in a boat for me?! A little dinghy, even? I love you, too. Miss you!
Joana: I’m so sorry you had a bad day. You have such a stressful life, I don’t know how you manage. You’re my hero! (((hugs))) right back.
Char: Thank ya, lady.
Mexpat: I really can’t wait to be home. I hope I get to wear a sweatshirt.
By: heatherinparadise on August 27, 2008
at 10:18 am
Whew!!!I’m relieved to find this isnt about me!!!!!lol!!I saw this and thought…gee…Heather has only been here a few days and she thinks I had a meltdown already???!!!Anyway….I am glad Heather is here getting some love and tender care from family and friends!!
Posted by donna on Sep 6, 2008 12:18 PM
By: mommy dearest on September 6, 2008
at 11:19 am