Heather in Paradise

Ok, it seems my friends and family are too nice to really give up the dirt on me, but there were a handful of things. Here is what you all had to say about me:

• Unusually good at Irish Jigs. This is totally true. When we were kids, my BFF Amy and I used to play “Make Me Laugh,” where one of us had to sit there stoically, not smiling, while the other one did whatever they could think of to make the other person laugh. I pretty much ALWAYS won this game; the Irish Jig was my secret weapon.

• Amazing ability to entertain and make children fall in love with me. This is true. I am the Baby Whisperer, people. Babies and small children cannot resist me because I have absolutely NO PROBLEM making a complete ass of myself to make them laugh. This skill is actually related to the Irish Jig thing, now that I think about it.

• I don’t follow instructions, I prefer to make up my own rules. So frickin’ true, it’s like Cancun Canuck and I have known each other FOREVER. In my Shakespeare course in college, we were given the assignment to write a paper on how we would stage Henry IV as a play. Well, I must have been losing my mind that close to graduation, since I decided to write my paper as if it were Quentin Tarantino directing the play. For example: “A Big Mac’s a Big Mac, but it’s called Ye Olde Bigge Macc,” etc. I’m not sure my stuffy professor knew what to make of it, but my TA seemed to like it.

• I am wicked strong when it comes to defending my friends. I’d say most of the near bar fights I have been in have been because someone insulted one of my friends. Do not. Insult. Or otherwise harm. Or be mean to. My friends. Understood?

• I can hang spoons off my nose. And will do so in ANY restaurant, even fancy ones. Even if it embarrasses my mom.

• Addicted to celebrity gossip rags. Sadly, this is true. How is it even possible that I can know who people like Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag are when I’ve never seen anything they’ve ever been in? These magazines are like crack: cheap, instantly gratifying, but ultimately unsatisfying and bad for my character. Oh well, everyone needs a vice.

• I can eat a taco without spilling at all. My old BFF from 6^th grade used to get mad about this, too. It goes back to an old, irrational fear of getting something sticky/messy/greasy on my face. It feels so gross! I wouldn’t even wear foundation makeup *shudder*. I used to be unwilling to eat corn on the cob, ribs, donuts, you name it. I do eat these things now, but I still use an entire fistful of napkins when I eat. I just am very, very careful and don’t overfill the tacos. I also don’t drink milk out of plastic cups, and don’t want to drink milk at other people’s houses at all. Slightly OCD? You be the judge.

• I once labeled all my shoe boxes in a ridiculous way, writing things like “totally hurt my feet, but so worth it,” “Match my Asian-inspired dress” and “Hooker heels.” Doesn’t everyone do this?

• I will stop in the middle of the street or in a store to write down something funny someone has said or a random thought that has popped into my head. Guilty, but I think all people who want to write do this.

Here is one from Michael

• I can watch the same four movies over and over and over again. It’s a Wonderful Life, Bridget Jones’s Diary, Walk the Line, and Shakespeare in Love. Direct quote from Michael: “Nobody wants to watch ANY of those movies EVER AGAIN, Heather! For god’s sake, you start crying even BEFORE It’s a Wonderful Life even STARTS! What’s WRONG with you?!!”

And here’s one from me:

• I’ve had the same two songs in my head for at least the last 25 years: King of the Road by Roger Miller and If I Only Had a Brain by the Scarecrow. It’s maddening, actually.

Ok, no more memes for awhile, K? I promise. I tag Jaquelina Wonders and Tyler Jordan. You’re IT! Olly Olly Oxen Free!