Those of you closest to me will know that I have struggled for many years with existential issues of selfhood and esteem, and have repeatedly suffered bouts of clinical depression that have proved resistant to medication and conventional talk therapy.
Over the years I’ve longed to feel a pull, a direction, some greater force telling me what it is that I should do with this life I’ve been given.
Recently, overwhelmingly positive energy entering my life from outside sources has caused me to realize that I must make a drastic change in the way I live my life or risk dire happiness, so please allow this blog to serve as an announcement.
Rejoice, my friends, for I have found my way. I have heard and have finally decided to answer the call: I am going to become a nun.
The Holy Sisters of Our Lady of Depressed Emo Shoegazers have agreed to take me on as their oldest apprentice. I leave for their dank cloisters almost immediately, just as soon as every hint of my wan suntan fades.
As a novice Emo Shoegazing Nun, I vow to audibly sigh and roll my eyes in boredom. My catechism will include courses entitled How to Be Sad When Things Are Great, Ruining Everyone Else’s Good Time, and Dude, You’re Bringing Me Down and I Love It, among a dishearteningly long list of others.
Luckily, I am already sufficiently unconcerned with my appearance to suit uniform requirements. My hair is overgrown, falling in my eyes, and I have the requisite number of split ends to prove fealty. Fortunately, conscientious leg-shaving went out the window months ago. I’ve got the drab colors down pat, and have already proved excellent at spilling food on my clothes as I listlessly overeat in front of the TV.
I anticipate devotional field trips to cemeteries, the local morgue, and former concentration camps. I’ve been forbidden to keep much of my secular music, but Morrissey and The Smiths have made it through my preliminary exam. I fear my faith shall be most tested if I am forced to listen to Trent Reznor, but trust that Elliot Smith and Built to Spill can pull me through.
If you should miss me, why, send a scrawny raven South; it will know where to find me. Fair thee well, my friends.
Say two Our Sylvia Plaths and look for me with your Third Eye.
Ooooooh…. yeah, this doesn’t work for me.
I beat up shoegazers, cuz they’re retarded.
I can’t beat up a retarded nun.
I’ll burn for eternity…
By: trucker on May 29, 2008
at 5:10 am
ok heather you know that other blog about what’s weird about you? Please see this blog =)
Love ya!!!
By: Kerri on May 29, 2008
at 6:29 am
Ahhhhhhh-meeeeeeen.
Lucky you getting into that order, I hear there is quite the waiting list. I’m still stuck in the “Our Lady of Deep Waters Virginia Wolfe” convent. Totally old school, not hip to the times at all. More Wagner than Morrissey for sure. At least we’ve got a pool.
By: CancunCanuck on May 29, 2008
at 8:11 am
Beautiful post! Made my day. I’m going to make my shoe-gazing emo daughter read it.
By: RiverGirl on May 29, 2008
at 9:02 am
Kelly, the “At least we’ve got a pool” thing cracked me up. I think they let us read Virginia Woolf in my convent.
By: heatherinparadise on May 29, 2008
at 9:43 am
Are you taking a vow of celibacy from shoes?!
By: Vanessa on May 29, 2008
at 9:58 am
Yes, Vanessa, I am. I am no longer allowed to sleep with my shoes.
By: heatherinparadise on May 29, 2008
at 10:01 am
I’m not sure if I want what you are smoking??? lol
By: Elizabeth on May 29, 2008
at 11:24 am
I have been a fan but this is dissappointing. Its not clever and not funny (I do not mind making fun of anything if clever but this lacks any real honesty, keenness of observation or imagination. I would not bother to comment except that frankly I also found it mildly offensive and meanspirited and so thought you would want to know your reader’s reactions to accept or reject as you see fit.
I like a good concentration camp reference and joke as much as the next guy but this just thuds. Maybe I am missing something but you are better at true life observations and the kind of challenging interactions you often force your readers into (funny and otherwise) and speaking honestly than you are when you try to be a comedianne writitng a “bit”. Leave that to John Stewart and Chris Rock.. .
By: steven germain on May 29, 2008
at 11:28 am
Steven, I appreciate your honesty. I considered that some might take offense at parts of this blog, but decided to go with it anyway. I’m sorry it fell flat for you and hope that it won’t be something that will drive you away from my blog permanently.
This was an attempt to poke fun at a very real and serious depression I’m going through, an attempt to lighten my mood by forcing myself to see how ridiculous I am being. My non-internet friends, who are going through this with me, are likely my intended audience for this piece, and perhaps I should have kept this as a personal email sent around to them. But, I didn’t. This blog is helpful to me and since I currently do not use it for income or anything other than personal sanity, I think it’s still ok for me to post in whatever style I choose.
Apart from that, therapy and anti-depressants will hopefully also help.
Anyway, thanks again for your feedback.
By: heatherinparadise on May 29, 2008
at 12:52 pm
Kerri: Coming from a Rennie like yourself, I shall take that as a compliment.
Kim: I’m sure your daughter will roll her eyes and sigh, quite rightly.
By: heatherinparadise on May 29, 2008
at 2:58 pm
You are changing religion??
*stares at you blankly*
How can you turn your back on the great, one and only, super amazing, Flying Spaghetti Monster!??
*shock horror*
PS- I’ll be emo with you wherever there’s a pool! Let’s go Virgina Wolf crashing!!
By: lisaloveloca on May 29, 2008
at 4:17 pm
I’m with lisa, perhaps you’re too tall and therefore have not been touched nearly enough by his noodly appendage. Seek out pirates immediately. They will know the true path.
By: Jerry on May 29, 2008
at 4:30 pm
Ahh – another drawn to the life of shoegazers. I’ll send you a copy of Sex and the City and all will be right in your world.
Oh, and I’ll include a few cosmos too. I’ll smoke a few cigs and have some wine in prayer for you.
By: NancyRing on May 29, 2008
at 9:54 pm
Lovely Heather, I have sent a couple of emails and just wanted to make sure you were getting them and that all is well. (I’ve been having trouble with some people receiving mail from my hotmail, hope it’s not the case with you and that you are just so super busy you can’t reply).
By: CancunCanuck on May 30, 2008
at 3:22 pm
Ok, now you’re being weird!
I can cure you with two words but you’ll have to keep looking for the unlimited funds…Erin is hoping for the funds too.
John Fluevog
http://www.fluevog.com/
By: Bev on May 30, 2008
at 5:32 pm
Um- honey, you know I LOVE you……but Trent putting your faith to a test???? THE Trent?? LE Trent??? Me<3 Trent!!!! “Something I can never have” and “Me- I’m not” are some of my anthems………….
Other than that- I know just too well how it feels, been there done that, and luckily the bitch depression has never come back since. Or not as bad.
It sucks- but you are fighting it with all you can. You are one of the most amazing and strong people I know- so I have no doubt you’ll come out of this fine and stronger than ever.
And Trent- well, we’ll have to discuss this next time I’m there!!
By: Joana on May 31, 2008
at 1:25 pm
Ok so I read this alound as well several other of your blogs to a GF of mine (Jacki McElmurray) You may know her… Umm we had a cocktail or two but she and I did Laugh we think you quite quirky miss Heather….I think Zion may have what you need in your life right now come for a visit!!
By: Cassie on June 1, 2008
at 7:51 am
Heather, I apologize for my comment that was (overly) critical of your piece on depression. I think I missed the fact that you were dealing in your own way with your own depression and thought you were in some “macha” way simply making fun of people by, in a sense, blaming the victim. In any event when I read your very thoughtful response to my comment I re read what you wrote and saw it as a kind of self directed -”thanks I needed that” slap in the face. I guess I would call it Self (tough) love. Through that lens I appreciated it.
By: steven germain on June 1, 2008
at 7:49 pm
How about planning a trip up here?……I promise to take you to many cultural sites..winerys, brewerys, pubs, bars…;)
By: Melissa on June 2, 2008
at 12:16 pm
That’s a great idea Melissa! Heather could fly into Vancouver and I could show her around for a couple of days before sending or taking her up to Kelowna!
By: Bev on June 3, 2008
at 6:13 pm
Jerry and Lisa: I will never leave Him behind, even though I am on a carb-restricted diet. RAmen.
Nancy: Just come down here and lets drink cosmos and watch SATC together.
Kelly: I’ve already emailed you.
Bev: LOVE Fluevogs! Not in the budget, ‘fraid to say…and anyway, I probably wouldn’t get much use out of them here.
Joana: Perhaps Trent was a bad example. He is just always so damned sad.
Cassie: I remember Jackie from growing up: great baton twirler! Be home in September…can’t wait!
Steven: I appreciate your coming back to let me know I didn’t permanently drive you away, and thanks for the email, too.
Melissa and Bev: Oh MAN I wish I could afford to travel more. I have ALWAYS wanted to go to Vancouver…and beyond.
By: heatherinparadise on June 5, 2008
at 1:28 pm