This week I have had the somewhat unnerving honor of being insulted right to my face. In some ways, I admire the insulters, since, well, they had the stones to say the things they said right to my face. In what may be a rare development for me, I took neither insult THAT personally.
Allow me to elaborate.
1. On Christmas Eve, I went to PlayAsia for dinner (a frou-frou “big-plate/little-food” place on La Quinta) with Michael and some friends. I wore my “fancy” dress; ie, the polyester dress I’d never before had occasion to wear, since it’s typically so freaking hot here that I can’t bear the thought of encasing myself in synthetic fabric. As an aside, this dress came from the clearance rack of my newfound (in April of 2007) favorite US store, the “Fat Girl” retail chain, Torrid. In “normal” girl stores, the clearance racks are full of impossibly small sizes that can only be worn by freakishly small girls (for example, size zero. Who in the hell wears size zero?!). In Torrid, the clearance racks are gloriously FULL of the smallest size THEY offer…which happens to be size 12…which further happens to be the size I’ve worn for the past 2 years…so THANK YOU, Frito-Lay!
Wow, that was an enormous aside.
Anyway…after dinner, Michael and I walked toward a neighborhood bar and ran into a friend of ours who was sitting with one of those weird Playa tourists that desperately want to be local. I think you know the type: Comes here several times a year, lingers too long at local hangouts, is a bit too eccentric to even fit in with Playa locals. I had met him before and was feeling Christmasy-charitable, so I chatted up this strange tourist, who happens to be a washboard player (that’s right, a “musician” who plays a washboard) with a loooooong, ponytail-ringed rat tail and some funky, leather hippy-ish hat. I swear to God, he is missing only his floor-length duster coat.
Apropos of nothing, “Shane” or “Cody,” or whatever his name is, said to me, “So who held you down and put that on your leg?”
“Huh?” I asked.
He repeated himself and I realized he was talking about the half-finished tattoo on my leg (which, incidentally, is a loving tribute to my sailor grandfather).
“Oh, no,” I said, “It’s not finished yet. I still have a long way to go.”
“Well, I know tattoos,” he said, “And it looks like maybe you’ve gotten cheap ink.”
Struck almost dumb, I smiled and said, “Oh no, it’s going to be very nice, it’s just not finished yet.”
And then it took one second for me to process what he’d said, whereupon I said, “But you know what? Even if I did get cheap ink…even if this WAS the worst tattoo you’ve ever seen….How rude are you, to say what you just said? To point it out? If you see a tattoo you don’t like, something that is PERMANENTLY on someone’s flesh, say what you want in your head, but you keep that to yourself. How ill-bred are you, to say what you just said to me?”
Considering the source, I was not seriously upset, but instead chalked it up to this pathetic freaky person trying to make himself fit in by ripping on me, so I just walked over to talk to my friends. He sat for awhile watching us all talking, then grabbed his washboard case, stormed through the center of us, and barked out to me, “Sorry someone fucked up your leg!”
I didn’t know what to say, so I just said in response, “Well, I’m sorry someone fucked up your education!”
The end of this story is that I still love my tattoo and I honestly can’t believe that hillbilly fuck had the nerve to take me on. He’ll get nowhere in this town with me as his enemy; he just burned a bridge he didn’t even know existed.
And now, we come to today.
2. I had to go to the bank, and on the way back to my office, I had to pass an older-than-middle-aged man sweeping the sidewalk. As I passed him, we said “Buenos dias” to each other, then he did that weird Latino, leering, “teeth-sucky” noise and breathed, “Guera gorda!”
Yes, that’s right, my friends…this man leered at me and said, “Fat White Girl!”
I know that there is a Mexican saying, “The meat is for the man and the bone is for the dog,” and I know that it was meant as a compliment, that he was sucking his teeth at my irresistible juicyness, but damn it, I’m not frickin’ flattered! Keep that shit to yourself, you wrinkly, old raisin man wearing dirty khakis and sweeping puked up chicharrones off the street!
New Year’s Resolutions:
1. 1. Finish my tattoo
2. 2. Start working out again
3. 3. Grow a thicker skin.
Dearie, I love you for your honesty. I hate you for the fact that every time I see you, you are infinitely more beautiful than the last time I saw you. I know this is not what you want to hear, but it’s all I can think of to say. When you talk about yourself, physically, I see you physically in my head.
You were so much hotter at 37 in your brown dress and knee high boots than you were at 17 in your tiny little bikini. I don’t think that you really know what it is that men want. Fuck… I don’t know what men want. I don’t know what I want. I do know, however, that you are an incredibly beautiful woman.
Now that I’ve gotten my inner creep out, I’m going to bed.
Love, Jer
By: Jerry on December 28, 2007
at 3:01 am
Heather..you have more style then most people I know…ever heard the saying..opinions are like assholes,everyone has one…also remember,with BOTH incidents..it was friggin stinkin men running their mouths…WHAT the hell do they know about style..I think you are Beautiful..and screw two dumb-ass pricks who probaly don’t know their asses from a hole in the ground…keep ur head up and remember YOU R VERY AWESOME…and loved by everyone..that makes me angry for you that their are dumbass men down there,being rude…luv you gurl…ur perfect the way you are..EVEN without ur tatto finished..
By: cyndi on December 28, 2007
at 6:52 am
Eh?
Your tat is awesome, as are you. Period.
I have my own ink and know a good tat when I see it. And I didn’t see anything wrong with yours, plus it is a wonderful tribute.
Also- fat?? What?
I have been a 12/42 for a loooong time, and fact is that that is AVERAGE this day and age, not fat. Neither so freakishly skinny that you have to be careful not to slide down the drain of your shower when you are in there. 12 sounds just about perfect to me.
Which leaves us with the conclusion that those two belong to my (by now beloved and hatched with Vanessa when I was in Playa) category of Fu..ers. Boardering on the category “it”.
Seeing they obviously belong to either or even both of those categories we can only go ahead and pity them….. the poor things. As: nothing they say is of any concern to anyone who thinks with a clever mind and lives with the right attitude.
As you do. So screw ‘em.
By: Joana on December 28, 2007
at 7:24 am
Grrr, I don’t even know you and I am pissed for you! We Cancun ex-pats have met our fair share of “wanna-be’s” too, and why oh why are they often exactly as you described? Aggressive, loud mouthed, insulting pricks? I’m sure all my fellow Cancun bloggers remember quite well the time some blow-hard came out with us for the first time to a local meet up and asked if one of our female cohorts was a man! The guy was told off but hung around til he picked up a tranny hooker and said “What the wife doesn’t know won’t hurt her”. Yes, a charming first meeting with the wanna-be.
As for “guerra gordita”, I had to learn to like it or lump it, Hubby calls me gorda too and I am the thinnest I have ever been in my life. It still makes me flinch to hear it, but then I have to sit back and realize it is a compliment in their eyes. Next time say something about how lucky they would be to have even a taste of the “gorda”.
By: CancunCanuck on December 28, 2007
at 8:29 am
Oh, and do you have a pic of your tat? I’m curious, I just have one little one and I would love to see your tribute!
By: CancunCanuck on December 28, 2007
at 8:29 am
4. punt ignorant pricks in the balls when they say dumb shit, and then happily stroll away.
By: Trucker on December 28, 2007
at 9:19 am
You know what? You guys are the best.
By: heatherinparadise on December 28, 2007
at 9:24 am
People are lame, the end.
I have an admittedly not-great tattoo, and though it’s generally not visible, people are nice enough not to be like “OMG THAT’S HORRIBLE WTF IS THAT.” I still love it because of its meaning, but I have to admit I’m glad it’s on my back and therefore not visible to me in the mirror.
My favorite though, that I’m still seething about? We had some catering at work, and the gentleman that worked for the catering company had GORGEOUS, colorful, detailed full-sleeves. As we were waiting for food, my co-workers started in on it: “Wow, why would someone do that to themselves”; “that’s so trashy”; “Even tattoos you can’t see are gross, but that’s DISGUSTING”; etc. I’m in the middle going, Uh, hello?!?!?!
By: zombie z on December 28, 2007
at 9:26 am
Oh, I LOVE well-done tattoos, especially full sleeves. I’m really surprised, actually; I thought tattoos were becoming pretty much de rigeur.
Like you said, people are lame, the end.
By: heatherinparadise on December 28, 2007
at 9:45 am
Heather, if it makes you feel better AT ALL, that very evening, perhaps even at the exact moment that “Washboard Bud” was accosting you, there were about 6 of us mocking him mercilessly. He is the butt of many jokes everytime he wanders into town with that damn washboard and certainly noone you need to concern yourself with. He is uneducated, crazy, ill-mannered and talentless. As my late mother would have said, “He is N.O.K.D., move along”. Until now, I just felt sorry for him and, perhaps, a little guilty about all the teasing and jokes at his expense. Thank you for lifting that small burden from me. Merry Christmas sweetie!!
By: Michele on December 28, 2007
at 10:13 am
I’m endlessly surprised at what freakish, anti-social expats appear in Mexico (ourselves excluded, OF COURSE).
And boorish, no?
This one that you ran into seems like a piece of work!
By: gabachayucateca on December 28, 2007
at 10:33 am
My early New Years resolution is to call out all piggish mother fuckers who whistle and hiss and mamacita me. I am going to scold them like a mother would scold their son and if I’m close enough I’m gonna slap them in the mouth and say “que verguenza eres” and tell them to go their room.
By: Elizabeth on December 28, 2007
at 10:45 am
I would come down there and kick some ass for you! Nobody, I mean nobody, fucks with my sis!
Either way Heather sweetie, if I wasn’t already occupied with a hottie and if you weren’t my sister from another mother, well I better stop there, its getting weird. I think the world of you. Have a great new year
By: Bufante on December 28, 2007
at 1:03 pm
Sorry, but I just had to chuckle when I read this entry…
You have no reason to be ashamed of anything and you know that. Kick those guys and continue to be yourself! (the latter being the more important).
Andrea
By: Andiline on December 28, 2007
at 4:12 pm
Ewwwww, the being leered at by the icky old street sweeper! Ewwwww! No matter what he said, that’s just vile to be cheesed on like that. Also, you are NOT fat. You are beautiful.
And the rude tattoo guy is just funny, he’s so awful. Who in the world says something like that? Your final comment is pretty good, too. It reminds me of when I was a drunk teenager (gasp!) and angered a drunk redneck by telling him he didn’t need to freak out because his girlfriend passed out; just let her sleep it off. He knocked me down (to the ground!) and I sputtered: You are no gentleman and you never will be!
I am SO glad you recovered after absorbing his statement and spoke your mind to him. What an oaf. I bet HE gets no sugar tonight.
By: Julie A. on December 28, 2007
at 4:34 pm
There is a t shirt that says:
I may be fat (which at a 12 my dear – you are not!) but you’re stupid, and I can always lose weight. Good luck growing that brain.
By: Kerri on December 28, 2007
at 9:09 pm
Mamacita, you mean I can get a CASE for my washboard?
James
By: James on December 29, 2007
at 1:43 am
Jerry: I was only 36 when I wore the brown dress and the knee-high boots. Things are different now that I’m 37.
Joana: No way are you the same size as me.
Cancun Canuck: I’ll do a blog when I get this thing done. Although I’m all paranoid about it now. Not really.
Michele: Mock on, my friend.
Elizabeth: That is an admirable resolution and I am going to hold you to it.
Adam: Thanks, bro. Although I certainly wouldn’t need any help kicking this guy’s ass.
Andiline: Thanks! I tried to leave you a comment on your blog, but it wouldn’t let me. I appreciate your kind words!
Julie: you’re too good to be true. I wish I had thought of that “You, sir, are no gentleman” thing.
Kerri: I actually used a similar line once, many many years ago when I was about a size 8 and was called fat by a hatchet face at Wal-Mart in Waynesville, Missouri.
James: yes, you can get a case. Of beer. For your washboard abs.
By: heatherinparadise on December 29, 2007
at 2:15 am
I do not know exactly how I will go on without my weekly dose of Heather… Please don’t ever stop writing!!!!And if a size 12 is what you are honey you are nowhere near FAT!!! Let me take some full lengths for you so you can see my winter coat!!! And I still have not had the balls yet to get a tattoo!! Balk Balk!!!
By: Cassie on December 29, 2007
at 10:59 am
oof, girl, I hear ya. living in Mexico is a sometimes an assault to our senses and sensibilities!
By: halfie on December 29, 2007
at 12:21 pm
“Joana: No way are you the same size as me.”
Hun- believe it or not: I was a 42/ 12 for a long time, in the last years I’ve lost weight and my lower and upper parts have decided to split when it comes to size…… so the lower parts are a 40 (is that 10?) and the upper a 36, sometimes 38.
Make a guess how fun it is to find a dress that fits me! If the upper part fits the lower does it’s best impression of a “Presswurst” (yeah- you go and figure that perfect German word out), if the lower fits the upper flaps around allowing interesting insights.
So my butt was almost your size before I left to Mex…..and judging by the artistic actions that are required for me to fit in my jeans since I got back from Mex I am pretty sure it is a 12 right now.
Me being slender is all an illusion created by my height and by the fact that my upper parts pretend I am. The southern regions however……well. Yep. There you go.
By: Joana on December 29, 2007
at 4:44 pm
Here’s an addendum to this story: tonight I went with some friends to a beach bar to hear some music. Washboard guy was playing. As soon as they were taking a break, he came right up to me and offered me a sincere, heartfelt apology for his rudeness. He said he had felt very bad about it and been hoping to run into me for a few days so he could apologize and that he was very embarrassed he had behaved so badly.
I was touched that he took the time to own up to his impoliteness and apologize. I’ve come to realize how rare a quality that is, and so I was quite impressed.
By: heatherinparadise on December 30, 2007
at 12:18 am
Indeed- that takes cojones…… to openly admit you were wrong and acting like a douchebag is not for everyone. So kudos for him, indeed.
By: Joana on December 30, 2007
at 7:51 am
Good. Dude must have received my threat. Saves me a trip.
By: James on December 30, 2007
at 9:54 am
I am shocked that he apologized and very glad for your sake that he did. Now where will I go with all my evil hostile thoughts? Anyone else in need of a good ass wazzuping?
By: Michele on December 30, 2007
at 1:27 pm
Heather I love the way you write your entries. If I only I was as good as you with updating and writing mine. Good Lord you have no reason to be ashamed of anything. I am glad you got your apology but it would have been more fun to kick his ass. Happy New Year and I look forward to seeing you again in March.
By: Monica on December 30, 2007
at 6:34 pm
I have lots of tattoos and I know I’ve had people say stupid things about mine too. I think your art is great.Never believe those losers that “think” they know it all.I just tell them to shove it where the sun dont shine and walk away.The apology was nice but he is still a jerk…lol.
I look forward to seeing the finished tattoo next time I am there.
Happy New Year!
By: purpledragonfly on December 31, 2007
at 1:18 pm
Here’s my Washboard Bud story. The first time I got up with the band at Bad Boyz I was getting ready to play when I was tapped on the shoulder…..I turn around and here’s this little guy with a washboard trying to look cool. He said”you’re standing on my cord”….. I almost broke out laughing….an electric washboard?!?!? Too fuggin funny!
By: Bluespicker on December 31, 2007
at 2:20 pm
Nice that he apologized.
By: Bluespicker on December 31, 2007
at 2:23 pm
ha, i just LOVE people who make comments like that on tattoos! i’ve had people make the comment zombie z mentioned to me before “why would you do that to yourself”
it’s super great.
By: pamplemoose77 on January 2, 2008
at 8:11 pm
Wow, lots of people have stuff to say about this! My hubby got a huge tattoo of an octopus taking down a ship on his back and people always ask if he got it because of Pirates of the Carribbean. He’s decided to tell them, “Yes, I go in next week to have ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ added to it.” F ‘em.
By the way, I have a friend who woke up after a night on the town with “Bad Boy Club” tattooed on his leg, so it could be worse…
I hope I’m not one of those weird wannabe locals! I have been to Playa like 4 times last year, but we’re moving there now (we’re in transit driving right now) and should be there on the 9th, so I guess if I’m freaky I’ll be a freaky local with no wannabe about it…. yikes.
By: mexpat on January 4, 2008
at 2:24 pm
Mexpat – that tattoo actually sounds really cool. I bet my boyfriend would love it (he has a thing about creepy sea creatures, mostly octopi (?) and squid).
I wish I was a weird wannabe local in Mexico.
By: zombie z on January 4, 2008
at 4:47 pm
No, no, no…don’t get me wrong. There’s nothing wrong with the NORMAL wannabe locals, but there is a special kind of “weird” wannabe locals, who are just too eccentric to be real. But in the end, I guess it’s those people who make the area so, uh, colorful.
I mean, I was a wannabe local myself once. And look where that got me.
By: heatherinparadise on January 4, 2008
at 9:34 pm
Well written, you.
By: Adair on April 4, 2008
at 7:30 pm