Tonight I am thinking about friends. What “friend” really means, how the definition is flexible and can be applied in a multitude of ways.
I have a few “old school” friends, “true blue” friends. These are those people whom I’ve known for a long time, who, at one time or another in my life, probably saw me or spoke to me every single day. This class of friends I have comes primarily from my High School days, and even though I might not see or correspond with these people regularly, they are monuments made of marble; permanent fixtures in a moveable life. They are my North stars, and if I’m ever lost in the world, I know I can align myself with them to find my way back home.
I have also had “situational” best friends. These are those people with whom I’ve taken a class, or with whom I’ve worked. These are the people I’ve loved best in the moment, or even for years, but for whatever reason, when our situations have changed and we no longer had occasion to meet, we’ve not kept in touch. These types of friends can be the most baffling of all; how can one be so close to someone for a long time and then never speak again, simply because of a career change or a move out of a shared city? I think it has to do with the fact that these types of friendships are often formed out of proximity, convenience, or tolerance, and not necessarily out of any shared character traits or personalities. Mind you, I am still in contact with a precious handful of these “situational” friends; these are those ones who straddle the fine “old school friends” line.
Living here in this vacation destination in Mexico, I’ve found it very difficult to make good friends. I have a lot of acquaintances, but very few real friends. While I’ve never been someone who makes friends easily, the sheer transience of this place has jaded me a bit; turned me into someone who makes virtually no effort to acquire friendships. Why waste any time or spend any energy/emotion on someone who will most likely be gone in 6 months? People are flakes and liars; often when they move here, they have not carefully considered the true weight of what life here is like, so within a matter of months they run crying back to their “real” lives. It can take months for “new people” to break down the expatriate “self-preservation” barrier.
A friend of mine, let’s call her Mary, told me a story about when she first moved here (over 6 years ago). She was full of excitement and questions about her new home and happened to be introduced to a long-time expatriate local. The woman to whom she was introduced interrupted Mary’s first question with a “get away” wave of the hand and a curt, “Talk to me again in 6 months!” When I first heard that story, I thought…God, what a bitch! But now, 3.5 years into my own expatriate experience, I am thinking of adopting that attitude for myself. Because I did my research, I prepared myself for this life change—I don’t have any interest at all in doing your work for you. Sorry.
Which brings me to another type of friend: the tourist. For the last three years I’ve worked for a tourist informational website with an active members forum. These are some of the kindest, most compassionate, and most fun people I’ve ever had the occasion to meet (and in some cases, not meet). But the fact remains that even though I might feel as if I know them, even if we are “friends,” the quotation marks have to remain around the word “friend.” There is just no way for us to really know one another.
The first time I meet someone who doesn’t live here, inevitably the first question out of their mouth is, “So, how did you end up in Mexico?” I understand the question; it’s one I asked myself when I’d visit before I moved here. Some ask out of politeness or for the sake of small talk, but I think many of them ask out of jealousy or curiosity. They have this idea of my life in their minds that is not real: that I bask on the beach every day with a romance novel in my hand and live on sponge cake and margaritas. The truth is considerably uglier: Life here can be very, very hard. I won’t bore anyone with the details, since it was and continues to be my choice; the trade-off I made to live more simply in a tropical climate with a slower pace and kind people.
Now I have gotten my answer to the “why did you move here” question down to a pat, 30 second spiel that I cough out quickly so that we can move on to more interesting topics, like whether or not we are going to do a shot of tequila and whether or not I will regret it later.
The truth is that living here can be lonely. One is very distant from friends and family, and being constantly surrounded by those vacationing and partying can be depressing. Even if one is involved in these parties, the lack of real ties makes it false, like a Hollywood movie set of a perfect life, a façade held up with ugly wooden beams.
Wow, look at the turn this little “friends” blog took. Didn’t see that coming. Thanks for listening.
I can totally understand the “friend” thing. I honestly have only one true true friend & we grew up together. I have many other friends but their commitment to really being a true friend in not there. I can say I have met you and I thought you were pretty damn cool, floating by the Fat Cat, chatting about the new 2000 room hotels going up & some of the Mexican ways, it helped make that day which was a ton of fun even better, thanks & I admire you for living the life where & how YOU want, not someone else. I look forward to meeting you again soon, I can’t do the tequila shot (I can skip right to the floor in the saying about 1 tequila etc) but I can buy you a beer & enjoy that, hopefully in February!!
By: Jacquelina on November 29, 2007
at 11:57 pm
Yeah…. I dunno, like you stated, it sounds to me, like you’re kinda lonely darlin’….
Then again, i have no idea what it’s like to live abroad, nor will i ever know, so kudos to you.
To me, “true” friends are funny things. The older I get, the less I seem to have. To be honest with ya, the quantity i have doesn’t bug me one bit. I have a fuck-ton of “acquaintances”. Some from my past and some who are just online IM/chat buds who i’ve never met.
My true friends, the ones i’d take a bullet for, i can easily count on one hand.
When i lay my head on my pillow at night, the friendships with my wife and my kids are the only ones who really matter, and I can’t believe they stay friends with me or even LIKE me, considering the angry prick of an asshole i am…..
Hell, i wouldn’t wanna be friends with me. I’m a jerk
but, I digress….
Here’s a shot of tequila hoisted in your honor, sweetie.
I hope you find your peace.
By: trucker on November 30, 2007
at 4:10 am
Yep.. Frinds, acquaintences, and lovers,
Sooo many degrees of both.
I thought I’d kill myself over the first woman that broke up with me, but my heart was just getting broken in like a good baseball glove: Well-oiled and maleable.
It is amazing how many people come and go in our lives.Not to mention what we ourselves change in the meantime
What has made my life special are the people I remember and move forward with.
Case in point: A young lady named Heather who was at my house though much of my youth. She had many things she wanted(s) to do, but I never forgot what she meant to me or my baby sister growing up.
Yeah, we hung with a different crowd in h.s., but nothing changes who you are inside.Unless you turn by your own will.
You are always welcome here.Back where you started.
Brother G
By: George on November 30, 2007
at 6:49 am
You don’t have to be friends with your “brother”, we’re family, so you are screwed.
I love how you keep it real!
By: Bufante on November 30, 2007
at 9:43 am
Aww, thanks you guys. I didn’t sleep much last night.
By: heatherinparadise on November 30, 2007
at 9:53 am
It’s funny how attitudes change as experiences are gained. What once was so precious is now seen as cheap and losing it’s sparkle. Gold is still gold, however, malleable and unchanging at the same time. Gold beautifully wears it’s experiences while retaining it’s form. You’re gold to me.
I hope that made sense.
By: Jerry on November 30, 2007
at 9:55 pm
I’ve never been a great friend maker either. I don’t really have many here in AZ. I had a bunch…until I got married. Then the single ones drift away.
Plus when I moved away from PHX I lost alot and everyone near me is a soccer mom so it sucks. All my friends live over an hour away so I rarely see them anymore. So move here and be my friend and neither of us will be lonely
By: Teetle on November 30, 2007
at 10:00 pm
“There is just no way for us to really know one another.”
In that respect I think “Real Fake Friends” is kind of an appropriate term to use.
Heather, you’re obviously a social person (heck, I’ve “known” you as a RFF long enough to be able to say that), and I think that you, like all social people, appreciate it to interact with other people on many levels and that is just what you have been describing.
The problem is that you become lonely when you’re not able (for whatever reason) to interact on the level that you’d like to. You seem flexible enough to me, though, to find yourself a way out of that position, either with or without “a little help from a friend”.
Kudos,
Tony.
By: TeeZet on December 1, 2007
at 3:57 am
Thanks, Tony. You’re probably right; I was feeling a bit blue when I wrote this.
By: heatherinparadise on December 1, 2007
at 9:14 am
I’ll throw in my two cents and just say that I remain continually in respectful awe of those of you who have stayed longer than, oh, say 2 years in Mexico. My plan was very structured, a 16 month stint, with money in the bank and intention to return to the states at the end of it – and that’s what I did. Even though staying there for the long haul means being able to live in the tropics and a somewhat laid back culture, it also means lots of work (employment work), not a lot of time to take care of necessities (like bill-paying) and precious few afternoons of complete relaxation. I tell my good friend Mexico Way this regularly – so very few can do what you guys are doing, and it is an accomplishment that you have every right to be proud of – so think of that next time the frustration gets to you or when you’re feeling a little blue.
By: Joyce on December 1, 2007
at 9:58 am
I found my way here through the lovely Joyce, who I never got a chance to meet in person!
This post brought up so many thoughts for me. It took me a few years of living in Mexico before making a “real” friend, and it was unfortunately not long after that I moved back to the States.
It was VERY hard to make friends with expats…mostly because I didn’t see too many of them, despite being in Cancun!
But it sure got lonely, much like it does here in the place where I grew up.
Okay…time to stop before I get nostalgic and wax poetic commenting on a blog that I’d not visitied before today!
By: gabachayucateca on December 3, 2007
at 9:14 pm
Welcome, gabacha! I wish you still lived here, and Joyce, too. Cancun isn’t so far away, and maybe I’d have more friends. We’re all so busy, I guess it’s a good thing I only have a few good friends here. But if you’re ever in town, look me up.
By: heatherinparadise on December 4, 2007
at 9:31 am
Funny, I was thinking about the friends thing myself lately. I was also lamenting the fact that I have met alot of friends since we have moved here, but no real ‘buddies’either. Of course I also realize that until I am more fluent in spanish, I am keeping my circle smaller, so in essence I am to blame!
By: sans on December 4, 2007
at 11:22 am
Don’t feel blue – friends come, friends go.
When I left Chicago, I had a hard time the weeks leading up to our departure… lots of sleepless nights thinking about many of my friends (no quotes) that I’d probably never see again. But, it turned out to be just another step I took in life. Just like the many grade school friends I never associated with in high school. High school friends in college. College friends in the “big city”. On and on…
I totally agree with your assessment of people here in Playa. The revolving door mentality of people here requires much deeper analysis of what we call a friend. The cool thing about it is that Playa is a microcosm – with a population of 200,000, I now have friends from many different parts of the world, with many different backgrounds, etc. I think it’s kind of a good trade-off.
Even if you have a strong constitution, which I know you do, this adjustment is often difficult. You are not alone.
By: JohnB on December 7, 2007
at 11:28 am
I remember just too well how it felt living in Playa with folks coming and going- even if it was just for a little more over a year for me.
Luckily those who were closest to me then also moved when I moved- so I didn’t have to suffer the loss.
One thing that is so much nicer in Playa though is that you will see your friends so much more often, as it is a small community.
Here in Hamburg I have my old-time friends, the “monuments” as you call it- but as it takes me 40 mins to cross town and all of us have demanding job I often don’t see some of them more than twice a year. The rest are phonecalls.
When realizing that I keep thinking about Playa- were it is harder to find friends as folks come and go… but you do see people a lot more often.
By: Joana on December 25, 2007
at 2:28 pm