Two nights ago, I watched a rerun of Scrubs, which is one of my favorite shows (although the new episodes, they are starting to blow). On this particular episode, Nurse Carla is giving advice to the neurotic Dr. Elliot Reed, who’s freaking out over a cute guy she wants to ask her out. Carla tells Elliot, “you’ve got to hide the crazy,” meaning: Elliot has to cover up all the neuroses, idiosyncrasies, and peccadillos that make her who she is, in favor of being “normal,” and therefore, desirable to a man.
When Carla said those words, I turned to M. immediately and said, “Honey, remember this: don’t hide the crazy.” Because the crazy in people, that’s the good stuff. I don’t think it’s possible to really know someone until you’ve been exposed to his or her own brand of crazy, so I say let ‘er rip, people.
Michael likes fruit, and he likes nuts, but he doesn’t like fruit or nuts in his food. I can always tell when he’s sleepy because he rubs a tiny little corner of the sheet or the corner edge his shorts pocket flap between his thumb and forefinger. He makes lists, endless lists and lists. Grocery lists, to do lists, packing lists, goal lists. It’s the list-making, mind you, that is important, not the actual completion of any of the items on the lists. He is very good about clearing up after dinner, but stacks dirty dishes so high in the sink it’s not possible to wash any of them until you take half back out again. He knows everything, and I mean absolutely everything. He is the first man I have ever met that I cannot beat at Trivial Pursuit. This thrills and enrages me in equal measures. He does not talk. Like, ever.
My sister Becky won’t drive on a highway, any highway. She will burst into tears and pull off to the side of the road if you try to make her drive on a highway. She would not, could not wear a dress. She buys clothes for her chihuahuas, tons of clothes. She makes them wear these clothes.
My mom says the word “chef” with a hard “ch,” like in “church.” She once anonymously wrapped up and gave as a Christmas present to her 3 year old grandson the Charlie McCarthy dummy that she knew haunted his dreams, and then nearly wet herself laughing when he shrieked in terror upon opening it. She doesn’t, however, restrict her love of scaring people to small children: she once came into my Chicago apartment when I wasn’t home and left a PeeWee Herman doll (that I’d tried to get rid of at a garage sale against her wishes) on my pillow, complete with a knife in its hand and a “threatening” note.
My sister Crystal has a thing for shoes. Who am I kidding, we both have a thing for shoes, but she REALLY has a thing for shoes. The sheer number of pairs she owns is staggering. When we were roommates, we used to go to the neighborhood movie theater just because we craved those crappy nachos in the plastic trays, with the runny orange cheese and jalapeños. We’d walk in, blow past the ticket taker, order the nachos, and walk back home.
We also play a game, wherein we try to out-annoy the other by randomly yelling out, “CAW!” at inopportune moments. If I was meeting one of her dates for the first time, I would reach out to shake his hand and shout, “CAW!” Deeply engrossed in The Sopranos and on the edge of my seat at a crucial moment, all of a sudden I’d get a “CAW!” right in my ear, scaring the crap out of me. Sometimes just as I was drifting off to sleep, there’d be a knock on my bedroom wall and then I’d hear, ever so faintly, a slow, drawn out, “caaawww.” It can also be a question when paired with a quizzical look: “Caw??” I was a bridesmaid in her wedding last year and when the priest asked if anyone had any reason that they should not lawfully be wed, I had to bite my cheek hard to keep myself from screaming, “CAW!” In truth, I wish I’d have had the stones to do it. By now we’d be able to laugh about it and it would have been the “CAW!” of the century; nay, in the History Of The World there would not have been a “CAW!” that could touch it.
As for my own crazy, well, I don’t think I’m the best person to enumerate that gargantuan list, but I’m sure my family, Michael, and one or two friends could probably add a quirk or two. Making mittens talk, having inoperable brain cancer with every headache, and being OCD about how onions are cut probably figure in there somewhere. If you would ever like to hear the Most Annoying Sound In The World, just ask. In case you’re wondering, it’s my idea of what noise a pterodactyl would make. I made this noise in my office once and my boss gave me a look I won’t soon forget, of horror and disgust (well, he asked for it, GOD!). Oh, and I do not stop talking. Like, ever.
I used to be obsessed with hiding my imperfections, but now I know that if you don’t love my crazy, you just don’t love me. So if you’re out there thinking you’re perfect, or pretending to be perfect, or feeling ashamed of being insane human, give it up. Aren’t you tired of hiding?
Let your freak flag fly, my sisters and brothers, for it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
I know that I didn’t like the idea of you running off of myspace a few days ago, but if you’re going to continue to write high calibur stuff like your last two entries, then… I’m all for it.
I, also, had a problem with Elliot hiding her crazy in that episode (notice that the relationship doesn’t last), her crazy is what makes her so attractive. She’s fairly plain without all the quirks.
One last thing… I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, too.
My life is much better knowing that you’re in it.
Love, Jer
p.s.-I’m staying at Scott’s place for the next few days (during ‘Around the Coyote’), I’m a little scared.
By: Jerry on October 11, 2007
at 2:30 am
umm.. for the record i do drive on highways, like 41, but it’s that damn interstate 94, scares the hell out of me to the point of major panic attacks. And as for my dogs, you should see how happy they get when i pick up one of their outfits, they know it means they get to go out, so nah nah.
And as for one of your quirks, picture this.. a family, for once, all together at thanksgiving dinner and the oldest child suddenly finds it completely neccesary to let her chewed up black olives ooze from her mouth back onto her plate. i guess thats not really a quirk but your comic timing.
By: becky on October 11, 2007
at 7:25 am
Rebecca, I’m shocked. I would never do something so disgusting.
By: heatherinparadise on October 11, 2007
at 9:02 am
LOL!
As I was reading this it made me realize that I got a lot of “crazy” going on. I love it that your mom is crazy. I actually had to laugh out loud at that one. (I think I scared my cats)
By: purpledragonfly on October 11, 2007
at 9:22 am
Wow… you really ARE nuts.
By: Trucker on October 11, 2007
at 10:03 am
oh you did too!!!!
By: becky on October 11, 2007
at 2:09 pm
I still want to know when you are going to start submitting your writings to some magazines =)
By: Kerri on October 11, 2007
at 5:39 pm
You crack me up girl! Thanks for entertaining me on this cold October night!
I have absolutely NOTHING to add to your crazy list. For, to know one must be to BE one.
(under her breath, “freaking crazy!”
But I love your crazy self!
By: Amy on October 11, 2007
at 7:37 pm
You should see my shoes now. I have them all in boxes w/a pic of what pair is in what box. Plus they are separated by casual or dressy
I miss the Davis nachos (and toon’s nachos btw).
You’ll find this clip hilarious! CAW! It just doesn’t have the same effect when I say it around anyone else. I just get a weird look like wtf did she just say?!
oh and Becky…the 41 is not like a highway highway. It’s like 4 lanes and the speed limits like 45 so it doesn’t count.
LOL I remember the pee-wee doll thing. Wasn’t the note made w/cut out letters like a ransom note??
By: Crystal on October 12, 2007
at 11:17 pm
you should be scared.
By: scott on October 13, 2007
at 11:51 am
The Crazy IS what it’s all about. Thanks for the reminder–and the incredibly entertaining way you did it!!
By: charmarie221 on October 14, 2007
at 9:07 pm
Heather, your writing is amazing!!! I look forward to every new post. Can’t wait to hear more about your childhood and hope that you’ll write about some of the memories that I have of us.
Becky, I hate driving on tollways also
By: Jenny (Schaul) King on October 15, 2007
at 9:01 am
Uh…it’s been almost a WEEK since your last entry, Heather. Don’t you know that you now have an obligation to your public?
Waiting in Bell Buckle…
By: James A. on October 15, 2007
at 1:27 pm
I remember your mom always scaring us as kids…that’s what mede her so awesome when we were kids…Craziness is good for a person..keeps you going
By: luvin autumn on October 16, 2007
at 5:28 am
Thank you, you just brought back crazy.I am sitting here with my cup of coffee,literally laughing out loud.
By: rasa on October 16, 2007
at 6:01 am
Definitely do not hide the crazy! This was GREAT!
By: halfie on October 16, 2007
at 11:24 pm
Crazy is goood! Today, I was telling a friend that my craziness is not public only around family members and some friends does my nutso self surface. I love the CAW! This is hilarious!!!
The stories about your mom scaring you…are so funny. My mom was nutsy like that. She would throw bugs at me like grasshoppers, cicadas, junebugs etc. the nonpoisonous variety. I would scream and my dad would get pissed. We would get a kick out of this. I have the most annoying scream.
Take care, Alicia
By: AliG on October 17, 2007
at 12:40 am
A couple of weeks ago while Michael was watching football, I prepared a plate of cheese, summer sausage slices, and crackers, with 4 tiny cups of different mustards and sauces. I felt like screaming at him when he did not eat this the “right” way, by putting a piece of cheese, then a piece of salami, on the cracker, then lightly dipping it in one of the sauces. He would just put the cheese on the cracker and eat it, then grab a piece of salami separately. And he never once dipped anything, at all, in the sauces. He just wasn’t eating it right!
I’m pretty sure he did this deliberately to annoy me.
By: heatherinparadise on October 17, 2007
at 9:58 am
Can you please come home for a visit so we can hang out in adult life…….
By: Cassie on October 24, 2007
at 11:16 am
Dang it- now every time I see you I will think CAW!!!
Just some extra seconds of crazy that I needed in my life…….
Great writing, as usual.
By: Joana on November 4, 2007
at 7:51 pm
Absolutely do NOT ever hide the crazy. I, myself, am a bit OCD. I can control it and I’m not one of those people that thinks Armageddon will occur if I don’t perform my “rituals”, but I just prefer to have things a certain way. I only like the numbers 1, 4, 7, and 9. Volume controls, thermostats, alarm clocks, etc. must be set on a number ending in one of the above. I do this weird thing where I count the edges of shapes and keep counting until I finish off on the edge adjacent to where I started. I often have to resist the urge to offer complete strangers Purell when I see them sneeze. These are just a few of my crazy obsessions. My boyfriend makes fun of me all the time and calls me an “OCD fuck”. Can I say that here?
But last night really made me laugh at myself. I got off of work and stopped to get gas on the way home so what little I had left wouldn’t freeze in the subzero temps (how many days til Playa??). I paid in fives and ones. After facing them all and arranging just so while the attendant stood waiting with his hands open, he said to me, “OCD much?”
I laughed and told him my boyfriend would love him for noticing. His response was, “Takes one to know one.”
We’re all a little crazy. And we should never hide it.
And I just left the longest comment ever.
By: Trisha on January 24, 2008
at 11:41 pm
This was an awesome post u ROCK. I’m nuttier then squirrel shit and damn proud of it!
By: outlawzero on December 1, 2008
at 3:50 pm