So as you all know, I turned 37 yesterday. I haven’t been freaking out too much about the aging thing, although every now and then when I look at the number in black and white like that, I get an out of control “falling from a skyscraper” feeling, but I snap out of it pretty quickly.
I have found that I am a lot kinder to myself now than I ever was before and that has been an unexpected benefit of age that I am really enjoying. I’m not as hard on myself about the looks or the weight thing, and while I still beat myself up about it occasionally, it happens far less frequently that I look in the mirror and tell myself how gross I am or that I hate myself.
This is why it really surprises me to still find myself struggling with the unhappiness/depression thing so often. I seem to have gone through my life always saying, “If you just get out of high school, the Army, college, this crappy job, this city, this relationship…” you’ll be happy. If you can just lose the weight, work for yourself, start writing. If you can just be a better correspondent, take yoga classes, make some friends. If. If. If. But (and we all knew that a ‘but’ was forthcoming) the happiness, it’s elusive. It’s a fleeting thing, like trying to catch smoke or clouds.
If it has to be that I’m just this way, that my mind is just not hardwired for acceptance of things as they are, then fine. I’m relatively content being discontent. I am not unhappy all the time. I’m just not very happy and can’t stop wishing for impossible things, like takebacks or lost time. I want.
I enjoy crying, I immerse myself in stories of others’ pain. Not reveling, but taking myself by the chin and forcing myself to witness REAL pain, REAL suffering. What in the hell do I have to cry about when I have never had my 2 year old son drown, or lost everything I own in a hurricane, or found a cancerous lump in my breast?
Even this tendency in me makes me sad.
Heather, I don’t think that the tendency that you described to “want” is something that sets you too far apart. I think that it is part of the human drama; I think its just a matter of degree and frequency.
By: James A. on October 8, 2007
at 2:09 pm
You are exactly right, James. I just feel sorry for myself sometimes, but fortunately I get over myself pretty quickly.
By: heatherinparadise on October 8, 2007
at 2:17 pm
A smart woman once wrote this: “We are all lost and scared, every single one of us. We wish we were more confident and secure than we really are, but come on, people. Face it. This is a scary, dark, vast world we live in and we all travel through and past so many false impressions of who we are that it’s actually a relief when we really, truly, FINALLY find someone who sees us for who we are and loves us anyway.”
By: James A. on October 9, 2007
at 8:25 am
Thanks, James. You just reminded me of something I read once from Tom Robbins, along the lines of, “It’s just that she had a brain, and our brains are continually having fun with us by making us learn over and over again what we knew from the beginning.” Not a direct quote, btw, just from memory.
By: heatherinparadise on October 9, 2007
at 8:09 pm
Gosh, were we seperated at birth.
John tells me it’s like I LOOK for ways to cry. Like I enjoy it. I always rent sad movies, read sad stories, listen to sad music…what is with that? If you have an answer, let me know! heh heh!
By: Leasa on October 11, 2007
at 12:26 am